Hypercast: An ADHD Podcast

Hypercast: Becoming an Effective ADHD Ally

Melissa Llewellyn Snider & Brianna Morton Season 1 Episode 15

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Could you be an effective ADHD ally without even realizing it? Join us on this enlightening episode of Hypercast as we uncover the transformative power of genuine ADHD allyship. We promise you'll gain invaluable insights into understanding and supporting neurodivergent individuals, grounded in empathy, patience, and appreciation. Discover why it's not about fixing or taking over tasks but about recognizing the unique strengths of those with ADHD.


Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com

Brianna's Contact:
Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca

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Melissa:

Hi, there you're listening to Hypercast, an ADHD podcast. I'm Melissa, an ADHD coach and advocate.

Brianna:

Hi, I'm Brianna, an ADHD coach and soon-to-be therapist. We are here to explore all things ADHD from unexpected challenges to unique strengths.

Melissa:

Join us as we share insights and strategies that empower you to live your best ADHD life Ready. Let's dive into today's episode ADHD life Ready.

Brianna:

Let's dive into today's episode.

Melissa:

Hi listeners, Welcome to Hypercast. Welcome to Hypercast. We're a bit silly today.

Brianna:

God, I'm more than silly. I'm having a great time, All right. So what are we talking about today?

Melissa:

Tell me all the things. I don't know if I have all of the things, but today's topic is ADHD and allyship.

Brianna:

What does it mean to be an ally?

Melissa:

Being an ally means to be there to support the people that you care about when they have something in their life that they struggle with, especially when the world has a stigmatizing viewpoint against those people. That could be ADHD, that can be gender, that can be color of someone's skin, nationality, but today, specifically, we are going to talk about what it is to be an ally for someone who has ADHD, interesting you included the word struggles in there.

Brianna:

It's only a struggle because the world is so disabling or there are microaggressions, there is stigma. We're only struggling because the world is making us struggle. The way that you become an ally is by minimizing the struggle or like helping accommodate us because the environment or the world is so disabling right yeah, not making us feel like it is a struggle, like we need to be fixed, is being a good ally.

Brianna:

The number one thing that I'm looking for from an ally from the people in my life, the neurotypical people in my life who I love and adore isn't necessarily physical help or curing my ADHD symptoms by taking over tasks right Like I'm a capable adult. I'm not looking for help or like for you to fix what's broken in me, because there's nothing that's broken. I'm just a little bit quirky and different. What I'm looking for is like understanding, acceptance, patience, Like those are the things I'm looking for in an ally, more so than taking over For me.

Melissa:

I'm looking not just for acceptance but also appreciation, because with neurodiversity comes some really cool things. Granted, yes, there are things that I may struggle with if you put me in that square box of the social structure we're supposed to live in, but there are qualities and traits that come along with being neurodiverse, that make my brain really cool, and I would like to be appreciated for those things. So I feel like a good ally for me would be someone who can say she has these strengths and appreciate me for the strengths that I bring to the table.

Brianna:

Oh, I like that. Not only is that celebrating you, celebrating your strengths, it's also advocacy on your behalf, because, yeah, sometimes fighting our own fights can be quite difficult because we're the ones facing the brunt of the stigma and the discrimination, which is another part of allyship. If you're willing to be an advocate, create that safe space for us and speak out on our behalf, using our voices and our words and creating a space for that, not just speaking over us. You're like, oh, I know what they need. Let me tell you what's not even asking. That's not allyship. That's what we're already trying to overcome. The places where we might need support or allyship the most are with the family, with the partner, with, like people in our personal circle, even teachers and things like that. Because when you go out in the day and you're functioning at school, you're functioning at work, and you come home and you're exhausted and mentally drained, that's when the allyship can really come into play. And I'm not saying again, I'm not saying take over my spouse.

Melissa:

he does his best to make sure that we create an environment where I feel comfortable. Being honest. I can unmask and say I am completely burned out. If I do anymore I'm going to be overwhelmed. Or I can say I'm overstimulated right now. I need to go take a break and yeah, that kind of thing is really important for me.

Brianna:

Okay, allyship in that statement, an opportunity to educate. If you say the words I'm overstimulated right now, your partner knows what that is. Not everyone might know what that is. Not everyone might know what actionable steps to take. When you say I'm overstimulated is, your senses are overloaded, so there's a window of regulation where you have like tolerance and you go throughout the day. So if you're overstimulated, there's too much sensory input, there's too much emotional input, there's too much physical input, something is going on, your brain is shutting down. So when your brain isn't shut down, what are the actionable steps?

Melissa:

What does your husband do? Sometimes he'll ask me if I need a snack, take what does your husband do? Sometimes he'll ask me if I need a snack, take the dog to the basement so I can have a quiet space. He will be flexible enough to adjust his schedule and say okay, how long do you need? And sometimes that's a boon for him, because he gets to go play video games for 30 40 minutes and I get to go in a quiet room and relax for 30 or 40 minutes.

Brianna:

So flexibility, understanding, also removing the stimuli that may be overwhelming to you. So when we're in a state of overwhelm, we often can't notice what's going on in our body. So we might be really thirsty and not know. We might have to pee, we might not know. We might be overheated or too cold and we might not know. We might be hungry, we might not know. So offering those choices to us when our brains can't process that information is super helpful. So offering you the snack, removing some of the noise, you can have a space to calm down in providing those accommodations, just from a simple I'm overstimulated. What an ally.

Melissa:

We've been together long enough that there are times he will know before I even tell him, because there are signs that I'm overstimulated, and he will. He has certain questions. He will ask and he'll ask do you need to take a break? Do you need to go to the bathroom? It's not demanding, it's not like eat something, it's is this something that you think you need?

Brianna:

Because maybe I haven't considered it at all and he knows that so that piece is one not removing your autonomy super important. Offering choice is super important. But realistically, what he's doing in that situation isn't telling you what to do or trying to fix you or whatever. He is prompting you to check in with your body when you're too overwhelmed to do it. That's all that is. It's not like a oh, something's wrong and I need to fix it, battle mentality kind of mode. It's like a hey, something is going on. Let me ask you some prompting questions so you can figure out what you need and then I will support you filling those needs. And there are ADHD individuals with partners who are not that kind of supportive yeah, absolutely, Relationships.

Melissa:

it can be parent-child, it can be siblings, it can be partners, as the individuals who have ADHD. What can we do to help those around us be better allies? How can I help this person? They don't know unless you tell them how to help you.

Brianna:

But that's part of the balance, right, like it's not all on the neurotypical people to provide accommodations and support for us, we have to advocate for ourselves. We just have to be met with willingness to accommodate. I wanted to bring up a few more examples, if that's okay. I think it's helpful for the neurotypicals because we've been living our whole lives like this, right, yeah? And the neurotypical people might not understand what impact they're having In like a parent-child situation, say, a child got in trouble and the parent starts yelling at them oh, you didn't do your homework or you fought with your sister and whatever.

Brianna:

Explain your behavior. So then they start explaining. Then the parents get all upset because that's backtalk and that's sass and I don't want you making excuses. But the neurodivergent brain isn't making excuses. First of all, they don't really know what they did wrong. Secondly, they don't know why explaining is wrong, because you asked for it. And then they get punished, go to your room. You're grounded, that type of situation and they never actually learned what they did wrong in the first place or how to correct it. So you're not actually supporting them as an ally. And I know that the parent-child relationship is quite complicated, especially with a neurodivergent child, who may or may not be diagnosed, who may or may not be receiving the supports you need. But if, as a parent, you are not providing that understanding, that curiosity, that empathy, that acceptance, you're not going to get the results you want from your child. Right Like, allyship benefits you as well, and that's the other piece that I wanted to touch on, can we?

Melissa:

time out real quick before you make that point neurodivergent child-parent relationships is that there are many times where, well, adhd, asd, things that are on the neurodivergent spectrum, they're genetic, and there are many times that the parents have not been diagnosed or their symptoms are not properly managed. Sometimes they're masking hard, pushing those standards even harder on a neurodivergent child so that even further complicates that child-parent relationship. Sorry to make that time out, but I needed to make that point. Well, that's important.

Brianna:

If you are supporting a child neurodivergent child but you yourself have neurodivergence if you don't have the allyship, if you don't have the support, if you don't have the understanding, how can you be an ally to yourself? That's part about allyship. It's just if you just have a little bit of more patience, understanding, empathy, whatever you mean, you don't even need to know for it to be beneficial. It helps to know for sure, because then there's a reason and then there's a reminder to be more patient and empathetic and respectful and calm. But that could just benefit everyone.

Brianna:

The mirror piece of if your whole life you have received stigma and you've internalized that stigma and those microaggressions and you have certain expectations for behavior that you have never been able to meet, and then you don't want your children to suffer in the way that you have suffered, you push even harder on them. It's all from this place of I care, I want to help. I'm not saying that there's terrible parents out there. It comes from a place of caring. It comes from a place of I don't want them to suffer how I have suffered. You're just creating more suffering. And then the point side note, side point we're going on journeys here of the way that I've been trying to communicate in this episode is coming from like a strength based approach which Melissa and I, as ADHD coaches, use. But I'm not trying to say that what you're doing as a neurotypical supporting a neurodivergent person is wrong.

Brianna:

If you're listening to this podcast, you already care. That's why you're here. You want to learn. That is the first step and you are doing amazing and we love you. Thank you for trying to support us. Thank you for trying to learn how to do better.

Melissa:

We really appreciate that you love the people in your life that are neurodivergent enough to be present and, if anything, that's step number one, and step number two is education.

Brianna:

Back to the education piece. The point I was trying to make was, as an ally, you should not be overburdening yourself, right? Any support or accommodation that you create in your life should also work to support you. If you're finding there's a struggle, like you're always late for something, your child will go out the door, your partner's hours late that type of thing late. That type of thing. Creating a support system that allows you to help them be more on time also reduces stress in your life, reduces your worry and anxiety, allows you to get to places on time. So the systems we're trying to put in place aren't meant to inconvenience you. They aren't meant to overburden you. They aren't meant to cause more work on your end.

Melissa:

It's to create less work overall, and not just less work, but also less stress, less confrontation. Oftentimes fights in relationships can come from these moments where we're not communicating well and that just causes friction.

Brianna:

That's the piece that we're trying to really touch on with this allyship. That communication piece is so important and so crucial because asking for what you need, asking them what they need, asking what you need If we just asked, we would be so much further ahead. Then we could solve the problems without having to play that guess what's in my head game, which I absolutely despise, and neurodivergent people in general despise the guess what's in my head game. Little communication pro tip. We are very blunt communicators. We say what we mean. We choose our words very carefully to demonstrate our meaning, and so requests like oh it's sunny outside somehow, meaning I would like you to hang the laundry out to dry, isn't a direct enough communication for us to be able to pick up.

Melissa:

That's what you're asking for, or one of my favorites is we need to talk about something Drives me bonkers. Tell me what?

Brianna:

Tell me how long this is going to take. Tell me the importance. Am I in trouble? Did I do something wrong, which is a trauma response, that immediate jump to. Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble? Because every time that come up it's normally been my fault in quotes because of my neurodivergent. So that's a fun one.

Melissa:

Did you have anything that you wanted to share from the comments that you received? So?

Brianna:

part of the reason that this episode is happening is because I've had some people reach out to me to ask how to be an ally Like what does an ally mean? How do I be the best ally I can be? And so I didn't want just our perspectives for this. I thought it was really important to have varied perspectives. So I reached out to some ADHD communities I'm a part of and the responses I got were emotional and it seems like there is a desperate need for that understanding and support.

Brianna:

Yeah, one of the things I mentioned previously is the understimulation. So the opposite of overstimulation, too much is going on urine shutdown. Understimulation not enough is going on in urine shutdown. And they look similar sometimes For me, when I'm over-stimulated, I'm bouncing off walls, I'm going crazy. There's too much going on, so I'm going to also be too much. And when I'm under-stimulated, I am dead to the world lying on the ground doing anything. But sometimes it can look similar where there's, like this, shutdown. But my point is you'll need to know which in order to help effectively. So if I was over simulated and you're like, hey, let me put on some music, that's the opposite of helpful. But if I'm under simulated and you're like, hey, let me put on some music, that would be quite helpful, right, and sometimes just asking would it help if I put on some music?

Melissa:

That would be quite helpful, right? And sometimes just asking would it help if I put on some music, or can I put on some music Would you enjoy? That Are really good ways of phrasing that question or that request, to see how we're feeling in that moment.

Brianna:

If you take those empathy experiences and walk a mile in our shoes. A similar neurotypical experience is if you're an introvert or an extrovert type of thing, or if you've ever been like at a concert, and then you just need some calm. You're like, oh, like the music is playing, the TV's on, the radio's on, people are talking in the background, like I just can't handle all this noise, and then you need like a space to step out, five minutes, calm down and then you can come back. For us it's longer than five minutes. Right For us it's longer than five minutes. Right For us.

Brianna:

We get overstimulated faster and for longer. Same with understimulation. We've all experienced like boredom, but for us boredom is actually painful because our neurophysiology is just not wired for that. Like our brains move faster. We need that constant stimulation. Our brains are never quiet. When we are bored it physically hurts and we are stuck and there's that ADHD paralysis piece of it and we're just sitting on the couch scrolling through our phones eating chips and we look like we're lazy. There's dishes in the sink, there's something going on, there's things that we need to attend to, but we are stuck and we cannot physically start those tasks.

Melissa:

I just wanted to reiterate it is possible for us to start those tasks, but we need a reason to start the task, to get up off the couch, and sometimes for me that's a challenge. Something needs to push me to go and want to do it. I won't automatically go do it.

Brianna:

Yeah, that's a better way of phrasing that. I think it's not that we can't, it's that the motivation for us is a barrier. So there needs to be a highly motivating task, and the way that we are motivated is not the same as a neurotypical person. So it's not just that task needs to get done, it's like there needs to be challenge, novelty, urgency. Yeah, all right, let me go through this list there. Exhaustion, wanting to give up, struggled my whole life. I had no clue. I wish deep down that I could have been the ideal child. That disappointment. So there's a lot of like stigma this is bringing up.

Melissa:

maybe we need to just straight up say it A lot of the emotional issues that come up for people with ADHD when it comes to just living life, is due to stigma. I don't think I've ever met one person with ADHD who has not felt inadequate at some point in their life. Yeah, yeah.

Brianna:

Yeah, so some of these statements here that maybe I'll read because they do seem pertinent, were the result of that internalized behavior but also that stigma that they're facing, so you can tell that this person has had some. People say some things to them.

Speaker 5:

I've always hated feeling different than everyone around me, that I don't belong. That and growing up in a closed-minded town and having mental health struggles has affected me permanently. They don't want to feel like this.

Brianna:

They don't want to be quote-unquote broken. Same with this.

Speaker 4:

I'm not stupid nor slow. I just have 5,000 other thoughts that I need to sift through before I respond to yours.

Brianna:

And just because you're having a day and you're having trouble focusing doesn't mean your ADHD is really kicking in. There's a microaggression right there.

Speaker 4:

How I am is not a choice, but it's also not my fault.

Brianna:

Yeah, and then someone was talking about rejection, sensitivity, and the pain from those emotions and feelings is really intense and really hurt. This one's interesting.

Speaker 3:

I spent a lifetime being misunderstood or attacked for being misinterpreted. We walk in the world of digital eggshells now, where one sarcastic comment at a party will be used to shame you. So I explain things with five extra paragraphs and examples to combat that. I do this a lot.

Brianna:

This is why I over-explain everything two or three times, because I have been misunderstood, misinterpreted and then unnished. There have been consequences as a result of those misinterpretations and I don't want to deal with those consequences anymore, so I'm going to be hyper clear.

Melissa:

If we're having a meeting, I will tell you what day time am pm and I will tell you the time in your time zone and mine, because I get so overwhelmed with communication breakdowns that I have come to this point where I just have to be super clear from the start and there's no question whatsoever. But I like that.

Brianna:

I prefer that. Actually, that's an allyship thing that they can do. It's like when they're setting up a meeting, they can be super clear about the date, the expectations, the meeting topic, how long you expect it to last, who's going to be there, because that will help us deal with a lot of our anxiety. That is a buddy of our neurodivergence. There's two comments here that I want to talk about.

Speaker 5:

If plans are going to be made or changed, I need as much notice and details as possible.

Brianna:

Just going to what we were saying there, like we need the details, I need notice. We don't handle transitions well. Right, that's just part of it. Takes us a lot of energy to ship tasks. I'm not saying that we can't go with the flow ever is what I'm saying, but it really helped, if changes are going to be made, that we are given the reason why the changes are going to be made, details about the change, as much advance notice as possible. Like I will never do anything same day If you're like, hey, do you want to go out tonight? No, you did not. There is not a 24-hour prep window.

Melissa:

If you ever want me to help you with something, please tell me what to expect before I get there. People don't seem to understand that we mentally prep before we get to a place and when I get to somewhere, and then they cover point one and two what I expected, and then they want four more items on a list, my brain starts wigging out. Just give us some structure.

Brianna:

Give us expectations, give us some structure. Give us expectations, written and verbal, whatever format your person need to receive that information as best they can.

Speaker 4:

The next point here is if I'm in the middle of doing something, I cannot easily stop and attend to the conversation. So asking if I have a moment and waiting for me to stop and say yes is very helpful.

Brianna:

I love this comment. Not only did they talk about something, they also gave a pro tip at the end. But yeah, this is something that I will actually get quite angry if I'm interrupted. If I'm interrupted in the middle of a paper, it takes me so long Back on track and I get so frustrated with the person who interrupted me. And they're normally asking if I want food or whatever. And I'm like, if you had just given me 30 seconds, walk in the room, wave at me, wait for me to finish typing my sentence, then I look up at you, then I'll be able to attend to your question and we can move forward.

Melissa:

Yeah, and just because I'm being quiet doesn't mean there's not a lot going on inside of here.

Speaker 5:

Yeah, this other one is really interesting. Just because I have resting bitch face does not mean I'm a bitch. Please don't assume my emotions. Most of the time people think I'm angry or being rude and that was never my intention or feeling.

Brianna:

This face thing is common in a lot of people but with neurodivergent people who tend to mask. Masking takes a lot of energy, so when that mask slips or we're out of energy, our faces go into neutral and some people can have that angry leave me alone resting face and then people get really offended by that. So again, allies, coming at that with a little curiosity of hey, is there anything going on? Are you hungry, are you tired? Do you need something? Are you overstimulated? That can be one of the really great cues for overstimulation or understimulation. Is that like lack of this expressiveness of the face or body? Very briefly, what I would like the allies to understand about our sensory and physical challenges is how they can support us through that.

Brianna:

Things like food. Sometimes we have a lot of sensory issues to food. So if you cook something and I'm not eating it, it's not because I'm not grateful for you cooking it, it's not because I'm not hungry. I said I was hungry, I wanted the food. It's because there was something in it that caused me to feel uncomfortable. So the way that I accommodate that is just by making sure that's not in my food. And so the way that I accommodate that is just by making sure that's out of my food, and it's not that I hate you or don't like your food, I just am having issues with it. Similarly, with tags in clothing. Oh.

Speaker 5:

God.

Brianna:

Yeah, don't ask me, like, why cut the tags on my clothes? Don't make fun of me for it. Oh my God. Like, why are you putting the tags on your clothes? Just be understanding, be curious. And tags in your clothes? Just be understanding, be curious and don't draw attention to it. Or help me cut the tags out of things. That's what I'm talking about with the sensory issues. It can seem a little childish, a little tantrum-y, a little highly sensitive, and I've seen some people get made fun of for having those issues to the point where they either won't accommodate for themselves or they'll really have to hide it, or they'll push through and become really uncomfortable. And the best way that you can support people with sensory and physical challenges is by being understanding and to not force them to endure those sensory issues more than they already have to and be gentle with your suggestions Just because you think they will look good in a piece of clothing that's starchy and has seams that are itchy.

Melissa:

That may not work well for us. I personally really prefer softer clothes and things I can move in and you can make suggestions about what will make me look better all day long, but it doesn't mean that it works well for me and my brand.

Brianna:

Yeah exactly, and the piece that I really want to touch on here is as adults, we have the freedom to make these adjustments for ourselves. Right, like I cook the food I want, I pick the clothes I want. As children, we have less freedom and autonomy in this, because our parents cook the food, they buy the clothes, that type of thing, and then it can become quite a challenge if children are like stripping off their clothes because they're uncomfortable. You have to wear clothes, you have to wear clothes. And they're just running after their kids, being like not asking why their kids don't want to wear these clothes in particular, or they're always in their comfort outfit, or they always like their comfort food. Right, like parents are like oh, just try it.

Melissa:

Just try it once. There are ways that you can get people to try things, and that is curiosity and asking questions and things like that. So that's the piece I wanted to see there. On the food part, the one thing I love about French education is that in primary school they actually teach their children how to eat. They have classes on eating and so just because you don't like potatoes mashed, maybe you'll like them fried, or maybe you'll like them prepared in a certain way. Be curious, use it as an experiment. Maybe try different clothes as an experiment, try different foods in a different way as an experiment, and that may actually broaden the palate while still being accommodating and gentle. So, to sum up, today we are discussing ADHD allyship. What does it mean to be an ally? What it means to?

Brianna:

be an ally, to listen, to be understanding, to have empathy, to show curiosity and to show a willingness to learn. That is piece number one, If you're here. Thank you for showing up. You're already ally step one, You're doing great, showing up.

Melissa:

You're already ally step one You're doing great. I just want to take a moment, and all of the things you just said are approaching a person with love and empathy, and really that's the seed of it all.

Brianna:

That's how you combat stigma and discrimination with love and empathy. So that's basically what we're asking for. Like we are a minority, we face discrimination, and the way to be an ally to people facing discrimination is to show love and support. And the ways that you show love and support for the neurodivergent individuals in your life can be summed up as followed. So if someone is struggling with something, be curious about what they're struggling with. If someone is struggling with something, be curious about what they're struggling with. We talked about sensory issues, emotional challenges, communication challenges and a lot of our issues stem from miscommunication. Right, we're saying one thing, it's being interpreted another way and then there's a conflict and the conflict hurts both you and me. So part of allyship is creating these supports and accommodations in a way that benefits them and you and doesn't take away from your life.

Melissa:

But instead adds to it, and creating that safe space where communication can be had in a mutual way, in a safe way, just makes it better for everyone involved.

Brianna:

Yeah, what we're really looking for is understanding its patience and just really ask us like we're giving you some examples, some tips, right, but the people in your life probably know what they need better than we do, so ask them.

Melissa:

And we're all individuals, so needs are going to be individual.

Brianna:

Exactly, and just having that curiosity is really important and then also understanding maybe some internalized bias, some of those like microaggressive pieces, that where you're saying something that is actually quite harmful, and just being aware of that and taking steps to improve that communication. Thank you, neurotypicals, for listening. Improve that communication. Thank you, neurotypicals, for listening. Thank you for wanting to be allies.

Melissa:

And we love that. You love and support us and we'll love and support you back. Thank you, if you have ADHD and you need for the resources, brianna and I are both ADHD coaches. Brianna also is starting to offer other services.

Brianna:

You can reach me at likemindcoachingcom and Brianna, I'm a therapy intern as well as an ADHD coach, so I'm very excited to start offering therapy services. You can find me at understandingadhdca.

Melissa:

Fantastic. Thank you, listeners, for joining us today. We're so happy that you wanted to come and learn about allyship, whether you're looking to educate others on how to be an ally or you want to be a better ally yourself. Please stay tuned and listen to our next episode. Thank you so much, listeners.

Brianna:

Bye-bye.

Melissa:

Bye. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Hypercast.

Brianna:

If you've enjoyed today's episode and want to stay connected. Be sure to rate and subscribe, and check out the show notes for links to our social media and websites.

Melissa:

Whether you're seeking practical tips, heartfelt stories or just a sense of community, hypercast is here for you.

Brianna:

Remember you're not alone in your ADHD journey. Together, we can navigate the highs and lows with courage and compassion.

Melissa:

So until next time, take care, stay curious and keep embracing your unique neurodiversity. Catch you on the next episode of Hypercast.

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