Hypercast: An ADHD Podcast
Hypercast is your companion through the world of ADHD, offering an authentic and engaging look at life with ADHD. Join ADHD coaches Melissa and Brianna as they navigate the complexities of ADHD with heart, humor, and expert insights. From discussions on the latest research to personal stories of triumphs and struggles, Hypercast delves deep into every facet of ADHD.
Whether you're newly diagnosed, a long-time ADHDer, or someone who loves and supports an ADHDer, this podcast is for you. We explore a variety of topics, from ADHD relationships, late diagnosis, and co-occurring conditions to practical advice on everyday challenges.
Hypercast provides a supportive space for open, honest, and well-informed conversations about ADHD, including the cultural misconceptions and stigmas surrounding it. Melissa and Brianna share strategies, tools, and encouragement to help listeners thrive and navigate a world not built for their neurodivergent minds.
Tune in for insightful discussions, real-life experiences, and resources to help you along the ADHD journey, and know you're not alone. Hypercast is your auditory haven, bringing community and understanding to every episode.
Hypercast: An ADHD Podcast
ADHD & Fun: Essential Self-Care for ADHD
Can fun be the key to thriving with ADHD? Absolutely!
In this episode of Hypercast, we challenge the idea that fun has to be earned. Traditional definitions of fun don’t always resonate with those of us with ADHD, often leading to guilt and burnout. Join us as we explore how neglecting joy can worsen dysregulation and task paralysis, while reframing fun as essential self-care. Learn how to advocate for your own enjoyment, choose activities that truly energize you, and embrace spontaneity or pre-planning to reduce decision fatigue. Prioritize what brings you joy and see your overall well-being improve!
Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com
Brianna's Contact:
Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca
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I can't stand movies over 90 minutes. I miss the 80s and 90s where movies like were capped at 90 minutes. Don't give me Lord of the Rings, I will fall asleep Oof the Lord of the Rings crowd is going to come for you, Melissa. Hi there You're listening to Hypercast, an ADHD podcast. I'm Melissa, an ADHD coach and advocate.
Brianna:Hi, I'm Brianna, an ADHD coach and soon-to-be therapist. We are here to explore all things ADHD from unexpected challenges to unique strengths.
Melissa:Join us as we share insights and strategies that empower you to live your best ADHD life.
Brianna:Ready? Let's dive into today's episode.
Melissa:Welcome to HyperCast. Today's topic is ADHD and fun.
Brianna:Yes, sorry, I got hella distracted in the middle of our intro.
Melissa:You have ADHD and you got distracted in the middle of our intro.
Melissa:Why are we talking about fun? What does it have to do with ADHD? What is going on? Why are we recording this episode? Fun, I feel like fun has a socially acceptable definition, and the socially acceptable definition of fun is not something that always lines up with the actual interest of people who have ADHD, and I feel like there's so many times people invite me out to do things they say are going to be fun, and I dread even the thought of getting one of these invitations, let alone having to go to a function. So I wanted to explore today what it means for people with ADHD to have fun.
Brianna:Do you have that thing where you're like I don't get to have fun until all my stuff is done, or I can't have the same fun that I had in childhood because now there's different expectations. You're trying to I don't get to have fun until all my stuff is done, or I can't have the same fun that I had in childhood because now there's different expectations.
Melissa:You're trying to ask me if I feel like I need to earn fun Essentially I'm not going to lie. I feel like it's probably all the time that I have to earn my fun.
Brianna:Do you ever feel guilty for having fun that you haven't earned and that takes away from the fun of it're? Like this would be fun if I didn't feel so guilty about having the fun because I didn't get my chores done or my adult thing done. Is it soul destroying for you? Because here's the thing like I have a hella long to-do list that I'm trying to get through and I've been putting off fun. I'm like, okay, as soon as this is done, then we can do this, then I can do that, but I'm not actually getting anything done on the list because I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I'm tired all of the time. I can't even remember what fun is.
Melissa:There's times when you feel like your wheels are just spinning. What happens if you don't give yourself a break, if you step back and remember how you felt when you actually went and had fun? So many times when I let go of my to-do list or a responsibility that I've been frozen on. There's times when I just get frozen in what I'm doing. I forget the need for human connection and needing to relax. That's an actual need, not something we earn. It's not a privilege, it's a necessity.
Brianna:Something that I was learning as a therapy intern. Self-care is actually an ethical responsibility. It is unethical to be a therapist or a coach if you are not taking care of yourself. Apply your own air mask in an airplane before helping another person. If you are not taking care of yourself, having fun, taking that time away from your tasks, you're actually not doing your best work. Away from your tasks, you're actually not doing your best work. You can't help other people. You will not achieve, you will not be able to provide for yourself or others, if you're not taking care of yourself first. I have to remind myself of that constantly, that it is my job to care for myself.
Melissa:I'm having a moment here because it doesn't mean that I don't know this. I'm having a time in my life right't mean that I don't know this. I'm having a time in my life right now that I really need to be reminded of this. I'm remembering again how important it is.
Brianna:I forget all the time. I forget all the time too. I need a poster of this on my wall or something. Can you make t-shirts, or like a needlepoint pillow, something? I just need it like tattooed on my forehead backwards, so every time I look in the mirror. Absolutely. But, kate, here's the thing. I forgot about this, as one does, and I got so grumpy. I was so dysregulated. The littlest thing set me off. I had these massive to do lists that if I'd been regulated, that if I'd taken the time to have fun, take a break, do some self-care and come back and tackle it, I would have been done. But tasks are now stretching over days because I haven't given myself the opportunity to relax or enjoy life to the point where I've forgotten what fun and enjoyment feels like. That's a fun ADHD little. Our memories are so bad and it's been what three weeks since I've had fun that I don't remember what fun is.
Melissa:Yeah, when it comes to those times of having fun, we need to grant ourselves the time. It's necessary self-care. That's what fun is. Fun is necessary self-care. So when we embrace that need to actually have fun, what do we do? How do we have fun? We have lower dopamine.
Brianna:Have fun what do we do? How do we have fun? We have lower dopamine. Fun play, specifically play therapy actually increases dopamine but allows us to do the functional tasks. That's how physical in the body fun and play is. And if you're not doing your definition of fun, you're not actually going to get that dopamine. So if you're just like, oh, let me go to the beach and you're having a bad time, just because it was fun for other people, doesn't mean it was fun for you, which means you're not getting the hit of dopamine, which means you didn't actually do the play, the relaxing, the self-care piece. Right.
Melissa:Exactly. I feel when I'm in these positions that I already felt like I needed to earn that fun. Then I go to do something that's supposed to be fun and then I just feel drained instead of being energized and feeling good. That just feels like a waste of time For me social obligations aren't fun.
Brianna:There's another part of adulting. Yes, I understand that it's important and I do get my social battery filled, but I also feel so drained. At the end of a dinner or an event where there's a lot of small talk or there's nothing play related, we go to a bar or a restaurant. When I say fun, I mean play, and as an adult that's very hard to come to terms with that. Fun for me still means play. I still love playing on the swings in the playground. I still love outdoor activities like hiking, soccer, cross-country skiing all the things that I did when I was 10 years old. I loved them and they brought me so much joy and I still love doing them now.
Brianna:I go to the opera. I love the opera Not fun, right, it's a different kind of. It brings something, but it's not play. There's that musical aspect of it and I sing and I have several friends who are opera singers. I do really enjoy that activity, but it's not in the same category of fun as play. I don't know how to describe the difference. There are things that I enjoy that fulfill some other need, but fun associated with play is different.
Melissa:And I feel like for people with ADHD that play part may look very different than what the socially acceptable definition of fun is. Yeah, and it's surprising what you think fun is, what play is to you there is passive and active as well, which I think is another key piece here.
Brianna:Watching a movie is fun. Sure, you enjoy the movie, but for me it's more of a relaxing activity than the play activity, because it is that passive piece, whereas playing a video game is more active it's still screen time which has negative consequences but more active things like hiking or sports or going outside. First of all, going outside is just healing in and of itself and that's normally what I associate my play with. I was of the generation where you actually still went outside to play. For that I'm very grateful. And then there's creative things as well. So if you're not an outside person, I can still see that like painting or crafts or home decorating. As an adult, that's play. So if you're painting your walls or putting together Ikea furniture, that's like building a Lego set.
Melissa:My garage converts into a full wood shop and I design and build stuff for my house. I find that utilizes parts of my brain for play. I get to be creative, I get to think outside the box and if I make mistakes, no one else is telling me that I'm wrong. I love a good debate with people.
Brianna:That's definitely. It definitely gives dopamine A debate over who's your favorite superhero, or even if you want to get into the political, if it's more of an intellectual level. There's so much dopamine in that because you get that interaction, you get that chance to defend your position and see things from the other side. I love learning. Learning is one of my top strengths, so for me, any opportunity to learn, like all of my social media, is geared towards some fun science facts, like I just learned about geese and swans the other day. Oh, that's fun rather than mindless dribble.
Melissa:I do love playing like a good card game or like something that involves my mind. That maybe involves a little strategy but also involves a little social. I feel like I learn a lot about people when I get to play with them, If we team together in a challenge to do something. I don't do a lot of video gaming, but I do like tabletop gaming and anything that's like strategy based I'm really big fan of.
Brianna:Yeah, I would love to play more board games or card games. My ideal house party is we go over to someone's house and we play games. It tends to be video games, my generation. But if I just go over to a house party and it's just a bunch of people taking shots or drinking or chatting and there's food, that's so boring. I want there to be an activity and I've actually geared my life around that. I will actually say no to invitations that don't have an activity. Thank you so much for the invitation. I actually can't go or I'm busy. I'm not going to turn them down in a rude way, but actually busy enough to feel like, hey, we're going to go bowling.
Melissa:I'm like yes, I'm in. We often talk about pro tips here. Activities are the way to someone with ADHD or someone who is neurodivergent. That is a way to their hearts. When I go to a party that doesn't have an objective, that there's not an activity, I'm like do I eat? Do I stand over here? Who do I talk to? I have to make decisions, but when I know what to expect, when I get to the place, that makes things so much more comfortable for me, I'm much more willing to go. I don't know if to expect. I drag my feet getting there. I'm always like two hours late. I think part of that is because I just don't know what to expect. That means I don't want to even go. But I said yes, so I got to follow through because otherwise I'm a bad person.
Brianna:You're not a bad person, but I understand that feeling. I would like to validate that feeling because I also have that. I've said yes and now I can't back out because it's going to be really boring, and boring is physically painful for us. But I know neurotypical people have also experienced boring to the point of physical pain. But for us that happens more often. That's what ADHD is. More often, when I am bored, I physically can't do anything. I feel trapped, I feel constricted. I don't know what to do to get out of the situation. That's why we're creating this ADHD manual workshop. Actually, when you're in that state of nothing seems fun. Everything is boring, your body is screaming for dopamine and you just can't because you can't make decisions. If you're out of dopamine and you've depleted all your energy stores to the point where you need something and cannot figure out what to do, having a predetermined list of things that you can just pick up and do and not have to make a huge amount of decisions.
Melissa:So when your head gets all swirly and you go I don't know what to do, you have something to look back at and go. Okay, here's a list of options. Let me pick one instead of the 500 things that are rushing out my head right now.
Brianna:Exactly, you already know that you like these things and there are entry-level things, there are some things that I can't go for. A hike it's 10 pm, right, so something that is actually physically capable of doing, so you don't have to go through every possible thing. Now it's two hours later, you're still stuck, still in pain, and now you haven't eaten or done anything to like alleviate anything, because when you're so low in dopamine like that, like it is debilitating they could.
Melissa:If the expectations have not been set for an event that I have to go to, I end up dragging my feet because I'm already bored before I get there. So in my mind I'm already manifesting that boredom. That's why, when I invite people over.
Brianna:I'm very clear about what we're doing. Like, there will be food, this is the activity we're doing and I often plan activities that are necessary. So I'll go grocery shopping with a friend or we'll cook together or we'll do something that's productive to alleviate that. We should be adulting. I don't really deserve fun, but also I need a break and body doubling is really helpful for getting my tasks done, that type of thing. But it is fun because, like in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find that fun and snap the job's a game.
Brianna:I love Mary Poppins with my whole heart and soul because that element of making menial, boring things fun by gamifying, by having a person, a friend, join you, for example, I'm catching up with friends. I haven't seen in a long time If they invited me to go for a cup of coffee. First of all, I don't drink coffee. Secondly, that's sitting in one place. You're stuck there for hours catching up, which is boring small talk. No, I go for a walk.
Brianna:I catch up with friends by doing something. We go to a place, there's flowers, we get distracted by cute dogs that are walking by. So the whole conversation isn't based on sipping coffee and having to stare into their eyes and tell them your life updates. Also, if we can stop to get ice cream or change the plans if something happens or hey, do you want to walk this way or this way, there's that little bit of spontaneity built in. And then also having a defined end time is really lovely, and a flexible start time, because if the movie starts at 630, you have to be there at 630. But if you're like, hey, I'm running a bit late for the walk, it doesn't matter.
Melissa:So it's really important to figure out what you actually find fun. I think part of it is getting over things. It's guilt that you don't find the socially normal things fun. We're giving you permission. It's okay to say I don't like that party or, for some of us, I can't stand movies over 90 minutes. I miss the 80s and 90s where movies were capped at 90 minutes. Don't give me Lord of the Rings, I will fall asleep.
Brianna:The Lord of the Rings crowd is going to come for you, melissa. Lord of the Rings, there was just a lot of walking involved.
Melissa:It was a journey. They're still walking. They're always walking. But anyway, it's okay to think outside the box. Like Brianna was saying, if you want to have a conversation with someone, maybe instead of meeting for coffee, sure, maybe grab a coffee along the way, but go for a walk that gets your body moving. Any of us can actually benefit from being outside and moving our bodies around.
Brianna:The studies say that nature is healing. The studies say that exercise is healing. Both of those activities give dopamine. If you're lacking dopamine, a walk in the woods or in a park is one of the quickest fixes for getting that dopamine boost.
Melissa:It's nice if we can fit neatly into that ideal. However, we have to live our lives and interact with people in ways that we may not always want to. There are ways we can make those situations easier for ourselves so when we do have to go to that boring party, we can find a way to interact with people. I see a lot online people asking that question. It really gives me anxiety to be there. How do I exist in the space and still maybe have fun? That is something that comes up for me a lot. I think it comes up for a lot of us.
Brianna:The girls in my grade decided that kickball or soccer at recess or lunch was no longer fun and they wanted to just lean up against the bike racks. I hated that because I wanted to go run around and play. I needed that in order to focus for the rest of the afternoon. After lunch I really wanted to play and my group of friends decided that was no longer cool and that we would only just be able to sit or lean and chat. And I was like no, I hate this. So I still wanted to be friends with them and I still wanted to be included, but I needed that time to go play. So I just joined the other people who still thought that playing was fun at recess or lunch and then chatted with them after school while we were waiting for the buses, which I don't know if that solves that. I'm at a party and I need to figure out how to make this one and not like death it does.
Melissa:I actually think it does solve that problem because it's the young version of what I think adults should do Be curious, come with a sense of curiosity and seek out people that are interesting to you. Keep your ears open If something pops up, maybe introduce yourself to the one person that seems like they really like a certain topic of conversation. You'll never know when you'll find a kindred spirit, maybe you will match up on something that you like and they like and you could have a lovely conversation. Come with that sense of curiosity. That's joining the other team to play kickball.
Brianna:That's the thing you can drift at a social event, right, the point of those is to mingle. If you've come with a person and that's your safe person, that's great. If you're in a group of people and they're not talking about something interesting, you're allowed to drift away, meet new people, branch out, talk about different things and the house parties that I have been to it's so funny. There's a split level. So the top level there are people playing video games, and the bottom level it's people chatting and drinking. Right, you just migrate between the two, for whenever you're interested in you want to go get a drink and chat for a bit, or if you want to play games and watch games. It's pretty much the split of the neurodifferentia people and the neurodifficult people. But that is the part of it where, if there's an area of the house like maybe go to the kitchen, you can find a way to be helpful. Cooking is your passion, or go outside and see who is outside. Have you seen the show Abbott Elementary?
Melissa:No, I have not. Quinta Brunson she's brilliant. Her show Abbott Elementary. One of the episodes her character is having a house party and she has a zone for everything. So the two oldest members of their group she's assigned them to the kitchen because they really like to cook and then she has a board gaming section and people who like music section and then she would give jobs to people as they walked in the house. I thought it was a really brilliant idea. I was like oh, that's exactly what I want. I want something to do and I want to be in the right zone with the right people at a party.
Brianna:Yeah, the two weddings I've been to, I was essentially a bridesmaid. There was things that I had to do. I was actually singing at her wedding. And then there was another wedding I went to, where I was not a bride, I did not have a job, and the difference, night and day, of me feeling like I had purpose, me feeling like I belonged, versus me trying to fit in and find someone to talk to they were still my friends that I did eventually find someone to talk to, but just having that sense of purpose from the get-go, that immediate I belong here, I'm allowed to be here, I know what my role is and then I can have fun around that, versus not knowing what the structure is and then trying to find fun. It was much more difficult to do it this way than it was to have that role assigned to me in the beginning.
Brianna:How do we advocate for our fun? It's setting yourself up for success, the stories we were just talking about. If you need that structure routine, that Abbott Elementary example of you. Have a role, you have a thing, ask for one. If you're going to a party, be like can I be in charge of this? Is there anything you need help with. Can I set up? Can I bring decorations? Assign yourself a role so you feel that sense of purpose. Advocate for yourself hey, you want to catch up? Do you want to go for a walk? We can grab coffee to go and advocate for that, or even advocate for yourself in the sense of saying no.
Brianna:That activity does not sound like fun to me. I really like you as a person and I want to participate in things, but this is a no for me. That's really hard if you don't have a reason Like oh, I'm busy that day. It can be really hard, especially if we're ADHD people pleasers to say no in a situation where we know we wouldn't have fun. My strategy tends to be try and find the fun, like Mary Poppins Also. Saying no and being like I booked that time off for fun, that doesn't sound like fun. I'm going to do this fun activity instead. If it's one person instead of a party and they're like I'd like to invite them to your thing. If it's a party and it's already set up, you can't interfere with that. If they're inviting you to something and you're like I want to hang out with you, but I don't want to do that thing, change the thing.
Melissa:Change the thing or add to the thing. Get coffee, take a walk, or let me bring decorations, or, if you love baking cakes or cooking, can I be part of the food prep for your party. Do what makes you happy, brianna. What makes you happy? And, as an adult, how do you have fun?
Brianna:What makes you happy and, as an adult, how do you have fun? The same way. I had fun as a child and I am very lucky that I have a strong sense of self and the self-confidence to not cave into peer pressure. I was always noticeably neurodivergent, so for me I guess it was easier to be myself than it was to try and fit in, because there was no way I was going to fit in and it took too much energy for me to try and act. Normal Pros and cons, I was ostracized, etc.
Brianna:And there are some people who have managed to fit in and are suffering because they're not actually experiencing joy or their systems and accommodations aren't designed for them really, because they did have the capability of masking and blending in. So for me I couldn't, so I had to find my own way to have fun and for me my hyperactivity was very external. So I needed to do a lot of sports, a lot of exercise, a lot of things. So what I did is just filled my schedule with that. I maintain that childlike joy is something I always want in my life. So I will play with bubbles, I will have a Nerf gun fight, I will have a water gun fight. That is what I want in my life and that is what I aim for when I'm looking for fun. I don't let anyone tell me that I'm not allowed to do that because I'm 30.
Melissa:Yeah, and for me as an adult, sometimes I just block off a time for fun and I won't plan anything until it's time to do it. As much as I like to have expectations set for me, I like to just say what am I going to do right now? Because that allows me to have some novelty. And sometimes I like something that's unexpected, or I just want to take an unexpected adventure or go get lost somewhere and find my way back. Just do something that challenges me in a new way. That's what brings me fun.
Melissa:I may wake up this morning and want to do something very specific, but if I have some time blocked off that allows me to just go indulge for two or three hours and I don't think we often give ourselves the time to just go do something new or fun or interesting or deeply dive into that need for novelty. I'm not saying do anything dangerous, yeah, but maybe I woke up this morning and want to go to a play and I didn't know I wanted to go to a play. I want to go try a new restaurant today. Allow ourselves to do that and be spontaneous. But the expectation piece is that I know I have this time and I expect to have fun, but the spontaneity is not planning anything in advance.
Brianna:For me I'm a little bit different. I do need that planning in advance, because otherwise my decision paralysis will take over and I won't actually do anything fun. I'll just spend hours getting more and more anxious about the fact that I'm not having fun yet. And I need to be having fun because I'm running out of time. So for me it is pre-planning. But the spontaneity happens. I'm going on a hike, I know where the trailhead is, I know how to get there, I know the snacks I need, and then the spontaneity is. On the hike I see a flower or a mushroom and I stop to take pictures of it. Or I see a fallen log and I climb on the log. It's not just like march from start to finish, but I need that little bit of. This is the event we're doing, this is who's coming, so it actually happens and it doesn't just go away.
Melissa:I have a list of things because every time I think of something that I want to do but I don't have time, I put it on a list. The decision paralysis, it takes that piece away from it, because I can go to a list and be like, oh, that's the thing on the list that we haven't tried yet.
Brianna:I like that, though Having a list would really help. Oh, I really wanted to do this thing and I didn't have time Put it on the list. I'm going to start doing that. I've also seen people roll like a die, like a 20-sided die.
Melissa:I love that too, or a fishbowl with activities or things that they may want to do and to pick one out at random. I want a fishbowl. It's exciting, we both need a fishbowl. I'm going on Amazon tonight. I need something clear, really cute little things on the inside. Oh God, I have problems.
Brianna:The more quirky and fun it is, the more your attention will be on it.
Melissa:So if you need it to be pretty in order to use it, do it. So, rounding out this advocacy piece, you were saying that we need to have fun as part of our own mental and physical health. Advocating your need is also part of advocating for fun. So make those blocks in your schedule. Remember that by doing it, it may actually make that to-do list a little bit easier, because you're giving yourself a break to just breathe a little and get those good chemicals in the brain churning. To recap fun is important.
Brianna:It might look a little bit different for you if you have ADHD than if you're a neurotypical, because we have different brains and therefore different needs. Also, we have lower dopamine, so we need higher levels of dopamine activities to fulfill that need. The neurotypical might get a little dopamine from finishing a task. We don't get that, so we need to find it in more creative. That's one of our strengths creative ways.
Melissa:Something challenging, novel and a lot of times setting the expectation ahead of time. So you know what you're expecting.
Brianna:Yeah, and that's the piece that's so important about it is like creating that space for fun. You do deserve it. It's actually a part of your job. Fun is your job because you cannot do your adulting without this self-care piece. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping another person. Go have fun, schedule out the time for fun, pre-plan the fun, adapt the fun to make it actually fun and, as you move forward, understand the importance of fun. And it's not a back burner, it's not something that you put off until all your chores are done.
Melissa:It is not something you need to earn. It is something that you deserve. You deserve it.
Brianna:Exactly All right.
Melissa:If you need further help or resources. We are both ADHD coaches. You can find my coaching information at likemindcoachingcom. Brianna.
Brianna:I am at understandingadhdca.
Melissa:Thanks for listening, bye-bye, bye-bye. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Hypercast, if you've enjoyed today's episode and want to stay connected.
Brianna:be sure to rate and subscribe, and check out the show notes for links to our social media and websites.
Melissa:Whether you're seeking practical tips, heartfelt stories or just a sense of community, hypercast is here for you.
Brianna:Remember you're not alone in your ADHD journey. Together, we can navigate the highs and lows with courage and compassion.
Melissa:So until next time, take care, stay curious and keep embracing your unique neurodiversity. Catch you on the next episode of Hypercast.
