You Might Not Know Who You Are (Because of ADHD Masking)

If you’ve lived a lifetime of masking, you might not genuinely know who you are.

In this episode of Hypercast, we dig into ADHD masking—what it is, why we do it, and how it shapes everything from our identity to our relationships, mental health, and even our ability to meet basic needs.

Whether you’ve been masking without realizing it, or you’re in the thick of unmasking and trying to figure out what’s actually you, this conversation holds space for the grief, the confusion, the fear—and the hope that can come with finally being seen.

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👥 Co-Hosts
Melissa Llewellyn Snider – ADHD coach & Executive Producer of Hypercast
🔗 https://likemindcoaching.com

Brianna Morton – ADHD coach & therapist intern
🔗 https://understandingadhd.ca

Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com

Brianna's Contact:
Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca

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Transcript

Hypercast ADHD & Masking

[00:00:00] Brianna: if you've lived a lifetime of masking, you might not genuinely know who you are. 

[00:00:05] 

[00:00:06] Melissa: welcome back to Hypercast. 

[00:00:07] Melissa: Welcome to Hypercast. 

[00:00:08] Melissa: Today we're gonna talk about masking. 

[00:00:10] Brianna: what exactly is masking?

[00:00:12] Brianna: It's like putting on a mask. 

[00:00:13] Melissa: it's presenting yourself to the world in a way that is inauthentic to who you are or to what you're actually feeling. oftentimes it is a coping mechanism of like, I'm feeling unsafe in this situation.

[00:00:24] Melissa: I'm going to present that I am safe, or I'm feeling uncomfortable in this situation. I'm going to present that. I do feel comfortable as a way of avoiding dealing with those emotions, dealing with the consequences masking is something that every person with a DHD or someone who is on the autism spectrum. does, whether they know it or not, 

[00:00:43] Melissa: I would go so far as to say it's something that everyone experiences,

[00:00:47] Melissa: Hmm. 

[00:00:47] Brianna: at least at some point in their lives. it impacts a DH ADHD as an autistic individuals more because we do it more often, 

[00:00:54] Melissa: I think the reason we do it is because we are trying to fit in so hard.

[00:00:58] Brianna: Yeah, that's [00:01:00] part of my knowing. by masking, we are actually hiding our struggles, and therefore, like it's impacting our mental health. We're not getting the help and accommodations we need. it can affect everything, like relationships, your job, and how you feel about yourself.

[00:01:14] Melissa: Mm.

[00:01:14] Brianna: is it good for us? Is it bad for us? what causes it? all those questions that you or I might have about masking, hopefully will answer today.

[00:01:22] Melissa: I've been working on a solo video project and I've been taking test footage of myself and thing I had never seen before is that I had this completely relaxed face. like resting bitch face. And then it went from that to hi and like my eyes sparkled. It was like a different human being I was like, am I masking? Is that something I'm just not conscious of?

[00:01:44] Brianna: So if you're like a stage performer, you'll be familiar with this concept of turning it on, right? When you were being perceived, like if you were in front of the camera, if you were on stage, you're acting very differently from how you would act if there were no eyes on you.

[00:01:57] Brianna: How you act at home alone [00:02:00] is very different from how you act in public. if you're in different groups, you can like code switch. 

[00:02:05] Brianna: their language changes, their personality changes, their effects, change, their movements can change.

[00:02:10] Melissa: that could be cultural, but it could also even be community. 

[00:02:13] Brianna: you and I have talked before about A DHD and neurodiversity, that being a community in itself where we can be in a safe space to take our masks off and be around like-minded people who just get us, the communication is actually different. 

[00:02:26] Brianna: the way that we communicate in a group of neurodivergent people versus neurotypical people is very different. any kind of masking can be very beneficial for a short period of time.

[00:02:37] Brianna: It'll get you the friendships, the connections, It'll get you like, well-liked by society, by employers, by whomever you're trying to impress,

[00:02:45] Brianna: those pats on the back, those promotions,Exactly..

[00:02:49] Brianna: Any kind of relationship where you can fit in. socially fitting in to prevent isolation, to prevent loneliness, That's where it's beneficial, right? that's why it exists as a concept. [00:03:00] We are chameleons, we are very good at blending in.

[00:03:02] Brianna: It helps us be safe, it helps us be liked, et cetera. But if you do it repeatedly over a large period of time, you can start to lose connection to yourself. You can start to develop mental health issues, depression, anxiety, It can actually cause trauma.

[00:03:18] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:03:18] Brianna: there have been studies that have said that prolonged masking as a result of rejection fear of social isolation can result in trauma and you can get PT slike responses to certain social situations.

[00:03:32] 

[00:03:33] Melissa: I think some of the things you're talking about here. maybe a reason why a lot of us get the job and we can do the job for a while and do it well, then things start breaking down. because we try to be the person that we think the boss wants us to be, and we're putting, a thousand percent in, and then we get to a point where we can't do that anymore.

[00:03:57] Brianna: the chronic stress, of always trying to be [00:04:00] this high performing, You don't always have the energy to be given 110%,

[00:04:03] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:04:04] Brianna: you can start to feel like a fraud or feel like an imposter, like imposter syndrome, You're like I don't feel like I'm good enough to be here.

[00:04:10] Brianna: but that's not how the world is perceiving you. That's how you are perceiving yourself, being perceived.

[00:04:15] Melissa: Oh, it's very meta. 

[00:04:16] Brianna: It is very meta. It's a very vicious cycle.

[00:04:19] Melissa: Yes. I don't think I've ever met anyone with a DHD that cannot with what we're talking about here.

[00:04:25] Brianna: all of these shoulds and societal expectations There are certain social expectations that we just don't fit naturally, right? So our interrupting of people, the way that we communicate, lack of eye contact, how many thoughts we have in our brains going on at one time, all of that has to be masked in order for us to fit into this kind of society.

[00:04:46] Melissa: so important that we can advocate for our needs because otherwise we're pretending that we don't have those needs when we're masking.

[00:04:53] Brianna: Exactly.

[00:04:54] Melissa: these strategies that we have like mimicking others' behavior over preparing, over apologizing, forcing [00:05:00] ourselves to sit still, be quiet, stay like upbeat, prevents our struggles from being seen. It prevents us from advocating for our needs.

[00:05:06] Brianna: It prevents us from being productive, comfortable, happy, in our environments, 

[00:05:10] Melissa: if we're masking, we are unable to advocate because we will then be dismissed, which will lead to rejection, which will lead to us masking further.

[00:05:17] Melissa: if you are doing these things, to seem normal, to fit in, to be perceived as neurotypical, as productive, as competent, you're essentially preventing yourself from being comfortable.

[00:05:29] Brianna: From being productive, right? Because all of your energy is going into mimicking others' behaviors, sitting quietly, doing whatever it is you're supposed to be doing.

[00:05:39] Melissa: Why the hell do we do this? 

[00:05:41] Brianna: So the answer to that is the fear of rejection. 

[00:05:44] Melissa: it's a coping mechanism,

[00:05:46] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:05:46] Melissa: is part of this that we've, most of us have a lifetime of compounded stigma from judged our entire lives. And so we are just trying to not upset the world around [00:06:00] us to just get by and not be seen or, and not disrupt the world. 

[00:06:04] Brianna: Like your point is exactly the reason, right? a DH, D itself is can't sit still disorder, It's not how it actually impacts us internally. It's not about the emotion dysregulation. It's not about the variability. it's about you can't sit still and it bothers me, or you blurt things out loud and it bothers me.

[00:06:22] Brianna: It's about how the world perceives us. Even the name of the diagnosis is about social rejection, isolation. how different you are from normal, in quotes, normal in quotes, this struggle to be accepted has led us to mask our traits and behaviors.

[00:06:42] Melissa: I can imagine that if we try to mask for too long in certain situations, with demand avoidance, we're gonna start rebelling against it.

[00:06:49] Brianna: Yeah. Either there's that demand avoidance piece of we're rebelling against it, Or there comes a point where we are too exhausted to mask the burnout, the fatigue, the stress, in the situation [00:07:00] little pieces bleed through.

[00:07:01] Brianna: there was a study that was fascinating and devastating where neurotypical people can identify on site a neurodivergent person, and they have implicit bias towards us from just seeing us on the street. little things slip through that give us away, and there's implicit bias, and then that's where the discrimination and stigma comes. 

[00:07:24] Melissa: I know for a fact that there are times when I've been in social situations and someone is giving me a look like, oh, you're different. If

[00:07:33] Melissa: someone who does not know me,

[00:07:34] Melissa: senses that.

[00:07:35] Melissa: So then I start modifying my behavior so that they like me more,

[00:07:39] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:07:40] Melissa: stopped giving me that look.

[00:07:42] Brianna: Have you ever been in a situation where you've put your foot in your mouth or you're trying to be a class clown acting a little bit funny, putting on this front, 

[00:07:49] Melissa: Yes. 

[00:07:50] Brianna: using these is a way to avoid micro transactions and to avoid conflict in social situations because you're trying to find a way to lessen [00:08:00] the pressure to constantly be masking or to navigate these situations where pieces of your true identity are slipping through and you're being discriminated against and perceived as different, which then leads to the social isolation, the rejection, 

[00:08:13] Brianna: And so if you are trying to put on this mask it could come in many forms. Like I'm a little fact person. Like I will just start saying facts and that's how I get away with social situations. Like she just knows a lot of things and that's how I interact rather than trying to navigate like, oh, they've said this.

[00:08:28] Brianna: How do I process that? How do I respond to that? I have my script, if that makes sense.

[00:08:33] Melissa: That makes total sense. I'm sitting here thinking, yeah, I do that. I also go into class clown mode. I try to assess what the situation needs of me, and I try, I try to become that part of myself,

[00:08:43] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:08:43] Melissa: whole self. It may be a part of me, 

[00:08:45] Melissa: it's not honoring my whole existence.

[00:08:47] Brianna: it's like knobs, right? Like on a DJ board this social situation, turn up the funny, this one turn up the like. Empathy. But if you don't have the energy to be funny that day and you still turn up [00:09:00] the knob, that's when it becomes harmful.

[00:09:02] Melissa: you just used the word harmful. it can be harmful to you if you're burning out and you're losing jobs. is it just harmful? Could it be harmful and helpful?

[00:09:11] Brianna: there are situations where you are genuinely unsafe.

[00:09:15] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:09:16] Brianna: And then being able to mask in those situations can create safety in micro doses. Masking is normal. Masking is a coping strategy that most people have, especially minorities, especially neurodivergent individuals, 

[00:09:31] Brianna: It is a skill, it is a talent. It allows us to choose to protect our energy. When safety is on the line,

[00:09:40] Melissa: Hmm.

[00:09:40] Brianna: if you can either be yourself and be faced with a dangerous situation or be someone else and be less likely to experience that danger, you're gonna put the energy into masking.

[00:09:51] Brianna: The goal would be to put yourself into situations where there are neurodivergent individuals, where there are, um, neuro affirming [00:10:00] neurotypicals, The people who make us feel safe. Then we don't have to use that energy to mask. And when we are in a safe situation and the patterns have led us to be masking, that's when it becomes harmful because we're no longer using it to create safety.

[00:10:13] Brianna: We're using it as a crutch because we don't have an alternative. We don't feel the ability to be ourselves due to the trauma, the unsafe situations the social isolation, the rejection, 

[00:10:25] 

[00:10:26] Brianna: you asked a very good questionwe talked about it being helpful, but can it be harmful? The consequences of over masking are harmful, as I've said. Depression, anxiety. 

[00:10:37] Melissa: can we just put a pin in what you're saying for just a second?

[00:10:39] Brianna: sure.

[00:10:40] Melissa: curious what, what is over masking? 

[00:10:42] Brianna: when it's used maladaptively, 

[00:10:44] Brianna: adaptive is when it's used for good maladaptive is when it's used for bad, 

[00:10:49] Melissa: say you broke your leg

[00:10:51] Melissa: Ouch.

[00:10:51] Brianna: you start using crutches,

[00:10:53] Melissa: Been there.

[00:10:54] Brianna: That's now maladaptive because you're putting strain on your shoulders. Your hips might be [00:11:00] out of alignment because you're still favoring a leg that no longer needs you to favor it.

[00:11:03] Melissa: Yeah,

[00:11:04] Brianna: That is the difference.

[00:11:06] Brianna: when masking is adaptive is in those unsafe situations It is in those situations where you are safe, where you are with fellow neurodivergence, or with neuro affirming neurotypicals, who will not judge you, who won't have that implicit bias or that discrimination or that stigma, 

[00:11:24] Brianna: if you cannot turn off your masking when you are in those safe environments where there is no place for you to 

[00:11:30] Brianna: to be your true, authentic self, that is over masking. That is when it becomes harmful.

[00:11:35] Melissa: who are you being while you're doing your, doing

[00:11:37] Brianna: Who are you being while you're doing your doing?

[00:11:39] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:11:39] 

[00:11:40] Melissa: I was recently having a conversation with someone whose parents are from Iran. She's an Iranian American. 

[00:11:46] Melissa: she talked about this phenomenon of walking in the room doing a scan, scanning for safety.

[00:11:52] Brianna: Yes.

[00:11:53] Melissa: minorities or disenfranchise people we all do the same thing. We walk into a room and we scan for [00:12:00] safety and if there's a safe person 

[00:12:01] Brianna: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:12:03] Melissa: I bring my own safe person with me.

[00:12:05] Melissa: because you're smart.

[00:12:06] 

[00:12:07] Hey folks, we wanna take a minute to share something important. We've decided to shift to a twice monthly release schedule with new episodes dropping on the first and third Wednesday of each month. This change allows us to bring more focus and depth to each episode and to keep building hyper cast in a way that is sustainable and intentional and aligned with what matters most.

[00:12:27] Thanks for being here with us.

[00:12:29] 

[00:12:30] Melissa: I wanna do an episode on neurodiversity supporting service Animals. if you wanna see something like that, let us know in the comments. 

[00:12:37] Brianna: Imagine if we could do one of those episodes where like the puppies crawl all over you and they're asking you interview questions and you're like, I don't care about these questions. I have puppies.

[00:12:43] Melissa: I'll pay to fly to have puppies hang out with me. 

[00:12:46] Brianna: onto a darker topic. We were talking about the consequences of over masking, 

[00:12:50] Melissa: Okay. The negative consequences of masking.

[00:12:55] Brianna: suicidality.

[00:12:56] Melissa: Effing-A

[00:12:57] Brianna: Let's just jump right in there. 

[00:12:59] Melissa: Okay. [00:13:00] I know. I need a puppy. 

[00:13:01] Brianna: If you need resources, links will be down below.

[00:13:04] Melissa: if I'm really doing a good job editing, I'll put it right here on the screen.

[00:13:07] Brianna: Serious note, there are severe consequences for over masking, right? So in the same way that using your crutches for too long when your leg is healed, can cause other health issues to emerge. That's what's happening here. social anxiety, absolutely depression, yes. Loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-efficacy, which is the belief that you can do something, 

[00:13:29] Melissa: so you, you start to feel like your ability to actually complete things is impossible, 

[00:13:36] Brianna: Yeah. You'll start to feel as broken as you're acting, if that makes sense.

[00:13:40] Melissa: you already have problems with task initiation, that is disastrous

[00:13:45] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:45] Brianna: because you're acting as a neurotypical with this mask, when your neurodivergent traits present themselves, your issues with executive functioning, emotion regulation, et cetera, you'll be like, why am I not this version of myself? Why am I [00:14:00] not quote unquote normal? And you'll feel more broken?

[00:14:03] Brianna: Because the contrast of when you're at your best is a fake person. It's a mask, it's an act. 

[00:14:11] Melissa: the consequences of this depression could lead to suicidality.

[00:14:15] Melissa: it also can lead to stagnation 

[00:14:17] Brianna: Yeah,

[00:14:18] Melissa: deep wells of depression. the depression and being stuck in that depression alone,it can

[00:14:23] Melissa: destroy your life.

[00:14:24] Brianna: And for every adverse social reaction, right? Like when you try and drop the mask, 'cause you're outta energy, you're so depressed, you just want someone to love you. For you, if you have an adverse social reaction during that time, it reinforces the shield. It reinforces that masking is the only way for me to interact.

[00:14:41] Brianna: It's the only way for me to be safe.

[00:14:44] Melissa: then becomes a belief in your being

[00:14:46] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:14:47] Melissa: that you are not okay. Just

[00:14:51] Melissa: being yourself. 

[00:14:52] Brianna: Also that skill you mentioned of being able to scan a room and find the safe person. If you don't practice unmasking, you can't practice that [00:15:00] skill of finding the safe people to know when it is okay to unmask and when it is unsafe to do so.

[00:15:05] Melissa: So that scanning thing is another coping mechanism.

[00:15:08] Brianna: Yes.

[00:15:09] Melissa: so we even able to utilize our other coping skills that do keep us safe, that may allow us to relax,

[00:15:17] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:15:18] Melissa: we are in that state.

[00:15:19] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:15:19] Melissa: Oh, that's a lot. 

[00:15:20] Brianna: this is the concept of neurodivergent burnout when our mask has been in place for too long, we no longer have the energy or ability to navigate the world. We come home at the end of the day and lose the ability to communicate. We can't cook for ourselves. And so we're eating, whatever.

[00:15:39] Brianna: We're not sleeping well. We're not actually engaging in any of the social connection that we as humans need. Because it was the mask, it was the identity that you're putting forward that was doing the social engagement. And it doesn't fill the social battery.

[00:15:51] Melissa: and we struggle to know what our needs are, 

[00:15:54] Brianna: Yes.

[00:15:54] Melissa: to be present in our bodies enough to notice when our body is yelling at us.

[00:15:59] Brianna: Do you wanna know when that's [00:16:00] worse?

[00:16:00] Melissa: when's it worse 

[00:16:01] Brianna: When you're masking?

[00:16:03] Melissa: 

[00:16:04] Brianna: If you're masking, you start to lose the ability to know when you're hungry, when you have to pee, when you're thirsty. Know when you're overheating because you're not in your body, you're in your mask.

[00:16:15] Melissa: That's a concept being in your mask. I'm, I'm soaking this

[00:16:18] Melissa: in, 

[00:16:19] Brianna: and soak it in. Have

[00:16:20] Brianna: you ever been watching a British television show or heard someone with a different accent and started to mimic it?

[00:16:27] Melissa: Yeah, of course.

[00:16:27] Melissa: I'm a chameleon.

[00:16:29] Brianna: Yeah. Okay. This is my point there is this stigma or belief that neurodivergent individuals are bad at socializing or can't pick up on social cues. We are actually better at picking up on social cues because we are so observant, because our brains are so active because we're seeing everything.

[00:16:46] Melissa: That pattern recognition 

[00:16:47] Brianna: Exactly. sometimes we can naturally slip into something else. That ability to be a chameleon and be liked by different groups of [00:17:00] people is just your different personalities coming out, like different aspects of your personality. And that's not the harmful stuff we're talking about.

[00:17:07] Brianna: when you can have genuine social connection, it is actually a protective factor for mental health, right? when you're in your mask, as we just discussed, there is no genuine aspect to it because it is this facade.

[00:17:23] 

[00:17:23] Melissa: The thing is we can mask both consciously and subconsciously, 

[00:17:29] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:17:30] Melissa: is there a way to know if we are living in that mask? 

[00:17:33] Brianna: So that is one of the steps, the goal would be to stop masking or to be able to control when you are and when you're not. building that awareness is step one. we just talked about if you're in your mask, it's hard for you to be aware of things. it has to start when you're alone. And if you've lived a lifetime of masking, you might not genuinely know who you are.

[00:17:57] Melissa: Can you say that again? 

[00:17:58] Brianna: If you have lived a [00:18:00] lifetime of masking, you may genuinely not know who you are. The first step is to go back to childhood and think about things that you genuinely enjoyed in childhood, and try them as an adult and see if there's still things that bring you joy.

[00:18:15] I've been in this place and it was really hard.

[00:18:19] Brianna: would you be willing to share?

[00:18:20] Melissa: I have trauma in my past as part of my process of trying to take my life back and be kind to myself, I made the tough decision to go no contact with members of my family. but that disconnection. Put me in a position where I did not know until that point where other people stopped and where I began

[00:18:47] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:18:48] Melissa: what was truly me versus what was part of codependent relationships.

[00:18:52] Melissa: Um, and it, it forced me to really start asking myself questions I didn't even understand. Like when [00:19:00] I had an emotion, I'm like, is that okay to have that emotion? Is that really what I'm feeling? I started questioning even the clothes I wore, the things I did, like, do I like these things?

[00:19:11] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:19:11] Melissa: went back to my youth. what did I like to wear? Did I like to wear bright colors? Nothing in me likes a bright color, so I was like, why do I have half the clothes in my wardrobe? something may seem very surface, but for me that was like so tangible.

[00:19:25] Melissa: It was easy, a easy place to start. And then I went back to hobbies I did as a kid and got involved with groups doing things that were the same so I could experience it, but a time and place where I was really focusing on being was and exploring my personality 

[00:19:43] Brianna: So here's my question for you is a lot of people's issue with this is when you're an adult doing childish things can be viewed very negatively. if you're in this place of, I want to discover where it's safe to unmask, I want to [00:20:00] begin this process of unmasking, the things from my childhood will be judged if I'm like an adult is like, for example, males can't really go to playgrounds, but maybe as a child you enjoyed going to the playground and now you're viewed as like some kind of creep.

[00:20:15] Brianna: it can be very difficult. 

[00:20:17] Melissa: the going to the park thing, one of the questions I would ask myself, if I like something as a kid, what's the adult version of that?

[00:20:23] Brianna: so what is the adult version of like some of these things 

[00:20:26] Melissa: I loved monkey bars as a kid,

[00:20:28] Brianna: Yeah,

[00:20:29] Melissa: are like parkour gyms that you

[00:20:31] Brianna: nice.

[00:20:32] Melissa AI: if you loved dangling on stuff, go take a pole dancing class. 

[00:20:36] Melissa AI: but there are adult versions of these things we did as

[00:20:38] Melissa AI: kids .

[00:20:39] Brianna: That's amazing. going back to things that you genuinely enjoyed in childhood before you understood social expectations and masking, There is a time before social pressures forced you to change who you are.

[00:20:52] Brianna: Go back to there when you're on your own, figure it out and then find the adult version of that.

[00:20:57] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:20:58] Brianna: So that is the pro side of things like that is [00:21:00] how you do it. There is one thing that we need to warn you about when you're going on this unmasking journey,

[00:21:05] Melissa: Hmm.

[00:21:06] Brianna: skill regression.

[00:21:08] Brianna: it can be very, very scary.

[00:21:09] Melissa: What is skill regression?

[00:21:11] Brianna: So in extreme cases. This is more typical with autistic individuals than with A DHD, but all neurodivergent people can experience this. It can be things like tying your shoe, getting dressed, brushing your teeth like it can be like genuinely basic skills that you suddenly lose the ability to do.

[00:21:33] Melissa: We're not just talking about getting out of routine. We're talking about the ability to specifically do the thing.

[00:21:38] Brianna: Yeah. Communication is a big one that goes away. The ability to speak can often be lost, it's very scary as an adult person who was functioning for years, held a high level professional job, had a successful relationship, had kids, and then all of a sudden to be reduced down to this helpless.

[00:21:57] Brianna: It's very scary to be helpless and feel that out [00:22:00] of control.

[00:22:00] Melissa: what causes that?

[00:22:02] Brianna: I complicated. 

[00:22:03] Melissa: the thing is, there is hope, 

[00:22:05] Melissa: I like hope. I love

[00:22:06] Melissa: hope, 

[00:22:07] Brianna: this skill regression isn't permanent. It is the process of unmasking. And once you have the ability to control when and where you mask and unmask, you can gain those skills back.

[00:22:18] Brianna: You asked about the mechanism. 

[00:22:20] Melissa: your brain is a highway of connections, let's say this skill for tying your shoe has like a, a super highway. Like you learned this skill while masked.

[00:22:31] Melissa: Huh.

[00:22:32] Brianna: And like there was a social expectation. Get dressed by yourself. That's how you be professional. That's how you be an adult.

[00:22:38] Brianna: That's how you grow up. There's normally some trauma associated and then all of a sudden you stop masking and that super highway no longer exists because it was the mask. Remember what we were talking about? Like you're in your mask. So

[00:22:54] Melissa: like neurons connecting?

[00:22:55] Brianna: yes, like actual neurons connecting.

[00:22:58] Brianna: So that pathway [00:23:00] was formed in a mask.

[00:23:01] Melissa: Huh? 

[00:23:02] Brianna: When you take away the mask, that pathway disappears. But because the brain is amazing, there's normally a bunch of other pathways to get to that skill.

[00:23:10] Melissa: absolutely fascinating and terrifying.

[00:23:11] Brianna: This is why neuroplasticity exists. because the main pathway, the fastest, the superhighway where you're driving 130 kilometers per hour down the road is gone.

[00:23:22] Brianna: You now have to take the back alleys and the goat trails where it's like 30 kilometers per hour and they're bumpy and you can't really go that fast. it takes you longer to do the skills. 

[00:23:32] Melissa: over time do we start smoothing out that trail and maybe building a super highway?

[00:23:37] Brianna: There you go. 

[00:23:39] Brianna: Exactly. So once you've unmasked, you lose the skill for a period of time, and then as you build up that goat trail, more neurons travel along that pathway. The road gets bigger. Construction crews come along, they've expanded it, it's now a super highway. So now you have access to that skill in a way that doesn't cause stress, burnout, depression, anxiety, all of [00:24:00] those negative, mental health impacts.

[00:24:02] Melissa: Have you ever been on the highway in Belgium?

[00:24:04] Brianna: Yes.

[00:24:05] Melissa: At night, it's like daytime. It is amazing. That's what I want my super highway to be like. I want there to be so many lights it's smooth and like there's no potholes

[00:24:15] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:24:16] Melissa: it's so well lit at night that I can fly at a hundred miles per hour.

[00:24:19] Brianna: Exactly. these skills that you lose when you're on your unmasking journey to improve your mental health, that's why we're doing this. We want to be mentally healthy. We don't wanna feel like we're an imposter in our own bodies. We wanna authentically be ourselves. When you lose those skills, you can get them back in a healthy way.

[00:24:36] Brianna: They're not gone forever.

[00:24:37] 

[00:24:38] Melissa: if we're subconsciously masking, are there signs that we are doing it?

[00:24:42] Brianna: that's why the term imposter syndrome exists, right? You feel like an imposter, like you're not supposed to be.

[00:24:49] Melissa: that about like putting on clothes and feeling like they don't fit me or that I'm wearing a costume? 

[00:24:54] Brianna: Yeah. So we've talked about late diagnosed women a lot, but the reason all of them are so [00:25:00] late diagnosed and they're like, I always felt broken. I never felt like me. I always felt there was something wrong with me. 

[00:25:05] Melissa: I feel like I'm a liar.

[00:25:07] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:25:07] Brianna: all of that internalized stigma is the sign.

[00:25:11] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:25:12] Brianna: You're like, why is something wrong with me? Why is everyone doing this better than me? Why can't I just be normal? Why am I always struggling? Why is it me? Who's the one that's weird or different? Or not being able to fit in, right? It's not subtle.

[00:25:23] Melissa: And as we constantly preach here, self-acceptance is so important.

[00:25:27] Brianna: Yep.

[00:25:27] Brianna: Understanding and acceptance.

[00:25:29] Melissa: understanding acceptance, can't happen if you're isolating and telling yourself everything about you is wrong.

[00:25:37] Brianna: it can be subtle. I don't really know why I'm different. Maybe everyone struggles like this, for example, Instagram feeds, you're only seeing the best and you know that's not real life.

[00:25:45] Melissa: It's,

[00:25:45] Brianna: Right,

[00:25:45] Melissa: curation and filter.

[00:25:46] Brianna: If you don't have any of that understanding or self-acceptance or awareness piece, then you can possibly believe that everyone struggles like this. But everyone else seems to be doing better. There are people who are doing better. It's the neurotypical [00:26:00] societies built for them. they're not struggling as much as we are and it sucks, but you don't have to struggle

[00:26:05] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:26:05] Brianna: and that's why you would go on this unmasking journey.

[00:26:08] Brianna: this unmasking journey is hard, right? trying to find people to trust you will lose friendships, you will lose opportunities. You will lose a piece of yourself 

[00:26:16] Melissa: and there's grief with that. 

[00:26:18] Brianna: Yes? Yeah, absolutely. There is grief. There's definitely grieving period, but what you gain is so much better.

[00:26:25] Brianna: You gain your authentic self, 

[00:26:27] Melissa: isn't that so freeing?

[00:26:29] Brianna: Incredibly freeing.

[00:26:30] 

[00:26:31] Melissa: there's so many wonderful things about unmasking, being able to feel like yourself, finding community, being honest with those around you

[00:26:39] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:26:40] Melissa: That honesty, I think just it breeds stronger, more close relationships with the people you love.

[00:26:45] Brianna: Mental health outcomes improve social connections, improve your self-acceptance and self-love improve,it's a more authentic way to live your life. And so that question of who are you [00:27:00] being while you're doing your doing?

[00:27:01] Brianna: It feels less like a fraud or an imposter. 

[00:27:05] Melissa: living your life in your own skin,

[00:27:07] Melissa: not living your life in a costume.

[00:27:09] Brianna: there's the message. 

[00:27:10] Melissa: the costume off. do it in a safe space. do it in a place where you feel comfortable. Do it gradually and see what feels like the real you 

[00:27:19] Brianna: as someone who has gone through this journey, it is incredibly freeing to be who I am to the friends I have now. The connections I have now, the job opportunities I have as a result of being my true, authentic self are amazing. they're more aligned with my values, my strengths, my goals, and I no longer feel like I am this fraud or this imposter.

[00:27:41] Brianna: I feel really empowered and really in control of my fate,

[00:27:45] Melissa: there's positivity to be had here. I just knew it.

[00:27:47] Brianna: So in summary,

[00:27:48] Melissa: In summary,

[00:27:50] Brianna: masking. 

[00:27:52] Melissa: is a performative way of negating social consequences. There are many ways to mask, to identify that this is what you are [00:28:00] doing. It's a lot of self-hatred.

[00:28:02] Brianna: A lot of that negative self-talk is one of the first signs. as you're going on your unmasking journey, you'll find your mental health improving. You'll find your social connections improving, and you'll find your understanding and acceptance of yourself improves, which then builds your community and ability to connect with other people. 

[00:28:21] Melissa: And I can imagine with all these things improving things that we may suffer from that come as comorbidities will improve as well. Depression, our physical health,

[00:28:32] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:33] Melissa: or just our ability to connect with our bodies 

[00:28:36] Brianna: Yeah,

[00:28:36] Melissa: those things improve with this process of unmasking.

[00:28:39] Brianna: absolutely.

[00:28:40] Melissa: Yeah. 

[00:28:41] Brianna: there is skill regression. It is temporary, 

[00:28:44] Melissa: It's not an easy journey. We're not saying it's as simple as, oh, I'm masking, let me just stop. It is a journey. There's often a lot of trauma to be unpacked,

[00:28:53] Melissa: Are you saying there's

[00:28:54] Melissa: not an on off switch?

[00:28:55] Brianna: there is not an on and off switch, but you can build it on and off switch.

[00:28:59] Melissa: You can [00:29:00] build a highway.

[00:29:00] Brianna: there is hope, right? Masking is a coping mechanism. When it becomes maladaptive, it causes harm. As you go through this journey of unmasking, there is hope for a better future. 

[00:29:13] Melissa: I want to hang out with puppies.

[00:29:16] Brianna: That sounds amazing.

[00:29:17] Melissa: Okay, let's wrap things up. thank you so much for joining us today. if you are in need of further DHD support, you can find me@likemindcoaching.com.

[00:29:27] Brianna: And you can find me@understandingadhd.ca.

[00:29:30] Melissa: And until next time, bye.

[00:29:32] Brianna: Bye-bye.