ADHD Community: How to Find People Who Truly Get You

They Get Me.
There’s nothing like the moment you meet someone and just know they get it. This episode explores how ADHDers find that kind of connection, what it takes to build a safe, supportive ADHD Community, and what it looks and feels like when it finally clicks.

📌 In This Episode
We talk about why community matters so much for ADHDers, how to find people who truly resonate with you, and how to create safe, shared spaces where you don’t have to mask to belong. Kate shares stories from the classroom, adult study halls, Mario Kart tournaments, and her new ADHD Discord—each a real-world example of scaffolding connection, not just hoping for it.

You’ll also hear strategies for:

Pressing boundaries without burning out

Identifying red flags in relationships

Building trust through consistency and shared interests

Starting small and building connections at your own pace

🎙 Meet Your Hosts
Melissa Llewellyn Snider – ADHD coach + EP of Hypercast. She offers 1-to-1 coaching and corporate education on ADHD and neurodiversity. Learn more at: https://likemindcoaching.com

Brianna Morton – ADHD coach + neuro-affirming therapist. She offers 1-to-1 coaching and therapy for ADHDers and neurodivergent individuals. Learn more at: https://understandingadhd.ca

🎧 Special Guest: Kate Sage
Kate Sage is an executive function and ADHD coach for adults, and the founder of Sage EF Coaching. Her teaching background and strengths-based approach help clients develop sustainable strategies and build community rooted in shared values and authentic connection.
🌐 Website: https://www.sageef.com
📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sageefcoaching/
💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sage-ef-coaching/
💬 Join the Sage Collective ADHD Discord: https://www.sageef.com/sage-collective


🎥 Watch Next:
ADHD & Masking → https://youtu.be/Mz3zUbptYPg
ADHD & Mindfulness Pt 1→ https://youtu.be/Cl1WGE1_-eA
(Unlocking Your True Potential: Mindfulness For ADHD Minds | ADHD & Mindfulness Series Pt. 1)

📒 Mentioned Tools & Spaces:

Kate’s ADHD Discord community (linked above)

How to Use Discord → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-tZpxncemg

Meetup.com


💬 What helps you feel safe enough to connect with others?
Share in the comments—we’d love to hear how you're building community.


🔔 Don’t forget to subscribe for more ADHD conversations that go deeper → https://www.youtube.com/@HypercastPodcast?sub_confirmation=1


#ADHDCommunity #ADHDRelationships #NeurodivergentLife #HypercastPodcast #ADHDSupport

Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com

Brianna's Contact:
Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Kate: If the macrocosm of the world and society is not built for you, you need a microcosm. You need your cozy blanket fort corner of the world.

[00:00:11] 

[00:00:12] Melissa: Welcome to Hyper Cast. Hi, I'm Melissa Llewellyn, an ADHD, coach and educator.

[00:00:17] Brianna: Hi, I'm Brianna Morton, an ADHD coach and neuro affirming therapist.

[00:00:21] Melissa: Today we're gonna talk about ADHD and building community. 

[00:00:25] Kate: in previous episodes we've talked about how important community is, but today we're getting into what it really looks like to find it, build it, and fill your life with people who truly get you.

[00:00:35] Kate: we are super excited to have Kate Sage with us here today. Kate, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? 

[00:00:41] Kate: Thanks so much for having me. I'm Kate Sage. I'm an executive function and ADHD coach for adults. I am the owner of Sage EF Coaching in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

[00:00:52] Melissa: How we met is really interesting. 

[00:00:54] Melissa: the first time we met was when we were hosted by you because you were highlighting our [00:01:00] podcast on ADHD and community.

[00:01:01] Kate: So that's a great,

[00:01:02] Melissa: It's come

[00:01:03] Kate: I was just gonna say full circle. 

[00:01:04] Kate: the podcast discussion club was very similar to a book club. I just had this idea that, first of all, I love listening to podcasts, 

[00:01:13] Kate: I do have friends who are willing to listen to monologues about, let me tell you about what I listened to today. but I missed the discussion too. I was thinking about something like a book club, but around podcasts. so I did that. It's on hold right now. while I'm exploring one of 52 million other ideas I have going.

[00:01:34] Melissa: Where did this start for you? what first drew you to this kind of work?

[00:01:39] Melissa: it actually goes back to teaching,the last school that I taught was a small private school for students with ADHD and learning differences. I remember having a parent conference with, the mom of a student. in 10th grade 

[00:01:56] Kate: this mom was talking about how her son. was [00:02:00] lonely looking for connections and on his phone all the time, but not really spending time with people, which was something I heard from parents often when I was teaching. And this mom was saying, he's in 10th grade, he's too old for me to arrange play dates,

[00:02:16] Melissa: Hmm.

[00:02:17] Kate: he doesn't seem to know how to initiate hangouts by himself.

[00:02:24] Kate: this school was unique. It was a half day program, so it didn't have things that would allow students to socialize, like didn't have sports teams, didn't have clubs at the time. there weren't a lot of opportunities for kids to socialize.

[00:02:38] Kate: And so I was thinking what could we do at the school that would bring kids together, but that they could replicate on their own if they wanted to? And so I started a Mario Kart tournament and it became an annual tradition. And one of the things I'm really proud of is I don't teach there anymore, but they're still doing the Mario Park tournament

[00:02:59] Melissa: [00:03:00] Can you

[00:03:00] Kate: year.

[00:03:00] Melissa: this Mario Kart thing 

[00:03:01] Kate: it was just like a, like a tournament with a bracket. So we would have like several rounds and the winner of each round would advance.

[00:03:09] Kate: I got a cute little medal to put around the neck of the, the winner, and some kids came just to watch. Mario Kart, by the way, is really good because you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.

[00:03:19] Kate: And that was part of why I picked it. 

[00:03:20] Melissa: you're bringing in novelty, 

[00:03:22] Kate: Yeah.

[00:03:22] Melissa: and competition. Like all the things that light a fire.

[00:03:25] Brianna: yet literally just

[00:03:26] Kate: Yes,

[00:03:27] Brianna: ADHD box 

[00:03:28] Kate: I wanted it to be something they could do on their own if they connected with somebody like, oh, hey, I liked him. I didn't know him before. we could order pizza and play video games. 

[00:03:37] Brianna: Yeah. 

[00:03:38] Kate: maybe from an adult perspective it sounds like, well, yeah, of course the kids can get together and eat pizza and play video games.

[00:03:44] Kate: But again, I think sometimes people need structure and a shared activity or interest that is known when they're starting to build

[00:03:53] Brianna: that's huge because like. A lot of the times the social development is slightly delayed. that comment about, oh, [00:04:00] he's in grade 10, he's too old for me to make play dates in grade 10, you're like 14, 15. Realistically, he probably has the social maturity of a 12, 13-year-old 

[00:04:07] Kate: Absolutely.

[00:04:08] Brianna: for that

[00:04:09] Kate: Yes.

[00:04:09] Brianna: without that structure in place how do I do this? I've never had to do this on my own before and it's not coming naturally to me like it would for a neurotypical kid. 

[00:04:17] Kate: Right?

[00:04:18] Brianna: I even begin to think about? And then you get the decision paralysis, the overwhelm, the executive functioning. 

[00:04:24] Kate: Yes.

[00:04:25] Brianna: all of

[00:04:26] Kate: Yeah.

[00:04:26] Brianna: You've just given them a template 

[00:04:28] Kate: Mm-hmm.

[00:04:28] Melissa: Mm-hmm. 

[00:04:29] Brianna: which they can use to be independent. 

[00:04:31] Melissa: You're

[00:04:31] Kate: Exactly

[00:04:32] Melissa: You are also like the all ages appeal, like you were saying. You have Mario kart It doesn't matter where someone lands on that spectrum of maturity or ability. Everyone could

[00:04:41] Kate: right.

[00:04:41] Melissa: involved in it. 

[00:04:42] Brianna: no.

[00:04:42] Kate: I love that. And going back to what you said, Brianna, we'd call that scaffolding

[00:04:46] Brianna: Yes.

[00:04:46] Kate: education. So it's like setting it up, giving the template or example, making the expectations clear, and then there is the opportunity to do this on your own

[00:04:55] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:04:56] Kate: Kate, everything you're saying here is a wonderful example of community. maybe we could [00:05:00] just take a second here and talk about why community is so important for those who have ADHD and those of us who are neurodivergent.

[00:05:06] Kate: There are so many reasons why having community is important for people with ADHD and for neurodivergent people in particular. 

[00:05:14] Kate: the world is not built for neurodivergence. and I know this is not anything new to your listeners, but there's so much internalized shame and self-talk about like,

[00:05:29] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:05:29] Kate: I don't belong, I'm different, I'm broken. When really the systems that we're all in are incomplete or broken or inadequate, 

[00:05:45] Kate: if the macrocosm of the world in society is not built for you, you need a microcosm, you need your cozy blanket fort corner

[00:05:56] Kate: of the world. 

[00:05:57] Brianna: I agree with you in [00:06:00] everything that you've just said, like when the world isn't built for you, you're made to feel broken. And when you try and engage with that world and it still

[00:06:07] Kate: Yes.

[00:06:07] Brianna: fit right and you're trying your hardest, or if you, don't have the scaffolding from an early age, and then you enter adulthood or young adulthood and you're like, okay, all of the social structures that used to exist no longer exist.

[00:06:19] 

[00:06:19] Kate: Yeah. 

[00:06:19] Brianna: skills to be able to form these communities, and every time that I do try and reach out, I get rejected. That rejection sensitivity hits, the anxiety takes over, 

[00:06:30] 

[00:06:30] Melissa: Depression

[00:06:31] Melissa: paralysis.

[00:06:32] Brianna: and then you're stuck in this isolation and loneliness,

[00:06:35] Brianna: When the 

[00:06:35] Brianna: macrocosm doesn't work for you, create a microcosm, collect the people that you feel safe with, that don't make you feel like you have to try to fit in because you already fit in by default.

[00:06:47] Kate: I love that. 

[00:06:48] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:06:48] Kate: another thing too that's common with neurodivergent people is to think they are the only one who feels like they don't belong.

[00:06:56] Melissa: because

[00:06:56] Melissa: regardless of brain type,

[00:06:57] Melissa: we all have talents, we all [00:07:00] have and we apply

[00:07:01] Melissa: those in places we either want or they're needed. 

[00:07:05] Brianna: Yeah, like culture,

[00:07:06] Brianna: different experiences, different

[00:07:08] Brianna: backgrounds, like all of those dictate who you are, 

[00:07:10] Kate: Yes.

[00:07:11] Brianna: is one of the pieces of your identity that dictates who you are, who you like to hang out with. 

[00:07:16] Brianna: one of the hardest things is finding community regardless of Neurotype. 

[00:07:20] Kate: Yeah. 

[00:07:20] Brianna: if you are neurodivergent or an introvert or have some other thing, it's

[00:07:23] Brianna: more difficult to form those connections because you don't necessarily have the social skills or like because of the past rejection. There is some fear there. And so

[00:07:32] Kate: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:07:33] Brianna: you're interested in, hearkening back to that masking episode. If you don't know what you're interested in because you've been masking your entire life and that

[00:07:41] Kate: Mm-hmm.

[00:07:41] Kate: suddenly falls apart, it's really difficult, Yeah.

[00:07:43] Brianna: pieces that make it harder, which is why it's more important for us to be able to have this community because it's not gonna fall into our laps as easily.

[00:07:52] Brianna: I think another factor too is so many adults have not had supported independent practice [00:08:00] in making connections with other people.

[00:08:02] Kate: And I'm thinking of the story of that student who inspired the Mario Kart tournament, I admired his mom for recognizing, at the development stage my son is at socially, it is not appropriate for me to arrange his play dates. developmentally, maybe he still might need some help, but it is not my job as a mom to set this up.

[00:08:24] Kate: But there are parents who don't recognize that and who take care of everything for their kids. suddenly they're independent adults out in the world and they have not had to approach people to figure out like, are you my person? would we get along?

[00:08:40] Melissa: that skill.

[00:08:41] Kate: And it's terrifying if you have never done that before, and then as an adult, you're trying to figure out how to strike up conversations and how to figure out if you have shared interests with people.

[00:08:52] Kate: that's terrifying to figure out as an adult for the first time.

[00:08:55] Brianna: And we're not trying to parent shame people here. 

[00:08:57] Kate: No. Mm-hmm.

[00:08:58] Brianna: child was struggling, 

[00:08:59] Kate: [00:09:00] Exactly.

[00:09:00] Brianna: behavior.

[00:09:01] Kate: Yes, it's

[00:09:02] Brianna: between stepping in and. Reducing their ability to build those skills on their own and stepping in

[00:09:09] Kate: yes.

[00:09:09] Brianna: provides the scaffolding, 

[00:09:10] Brianna: for them to move forward and be independent. 

[00:09:13] Kate: Absolutely.

[00:09:14] Brianna: support can be used to build skills rather than support that when it's removed, you are helpless. 

[00:09:20] Kate: Like scaffolding versus enabling.

[00:09:23] 

[00:09:24] Melissa: And we do need to acknowledge

[00:09:26] Melissa: that there are challenges to creating that microcosm to creating these communities, to

[00:09:31] Kate: Yeah.

[00:09:31] Melissa: communities. this may require stepping a little outside our comfort zone, pressing those boundaries a little bit.

[00:09:38] Kate: learning and practicing to press your boundaries to find your people is important. I'm so glad that I listened to that episode of Masking that you did. I keep coming back to it because it links to things that I was already thinking about.

[00:09:52] Melissa: if you haven't seen or listened to the episode, I'm masking, please check out the show notes or click right here.

[00:09:58] Kate: And just a [00:10:00] plug for y'all. if you have been curious about what masking is and how does it show up and why is it useful? it's a great overview.

[00:10:07] Melissa: spending time around people who don't get you and don't appreciate, you don't really understand who you are.

[00:10:17] Kate: It's like boring at best and demoralizing and harmful at worst, 

[00:10:28] Melissa: I'm thinking like harm in the way of because we're such mirrors, we're such chameleons if we keep trying to be the chameleon that matches these other people around us, we're just leaching ourselves of energy and preventing ourselves from finding our true being.

[00:10:44] Kate: I don't wanna repeat too much of what you said in that episode, but there are so many mental health implications for that, from an executive function point of view, like there is so much cognitive energy that goes into keeping that mask up. It's the working memory energy of [00:11:00] keeping track of what are the people around me?

[00:11:01] Kate: what is their vibe? What are they into, what kind of vocabulary do they use when talking about this topic? it's a lot to pick up on and keep in mind, 

[00:11:11] Brianna: And

[00:11:11] Kate: there's the 

[00:11:12] Brianna: issues as well, like people's names, people's interests, 

[00:11:15] Kate: yes.

[00:11:16] Brianna: that conversation and be like, oh, I met you. What was your name And it's so difficult. And then you

[00:11:20] Kate: Yeah,

[00:11:20] Brianna: and then it's harder to go

[00:11:21] Kate: absolutely.

[00:11:22] Brianna: you missed a text message from someone reached out to you, which is

[00:11:26] Kate: Yeah.

[00:11:27] Brianna: it's

[00:11:27] Kate: Yeah,

[00:11:27] Brianna: And then you're like, oh

[00:11:28] Kate: yeah.

[00:11:29] Brianna: to reply.

[00:11:30] Melissa: it's important to do it for self-care, but I also think going back to that, like why is it important to have community? finding your people in a world that's not made for you is self-care, and it's an act resistance, and it's saying I don't have to fit into the wider world if I have found my own place.

[00:11:49] Melissa: we're talking about like why does it matter to press boundaries, but how do we press

[00:11:54] Melissa: boundaries because that's so

[00:11:56] Melissa: hard.

[00:11:57] Kate: Yeah. I think one of the first steps in [00:12:00] pressing boundaries is knowing yourself well.

[00:12:03] Melissa: Hmm.

[00:12:04] Kate: that's so hard. that is an ongoing lifetime practice because who you are can shift throughout your lifetime.

[00:12:12] Kate: I know. It has for me, and I think it's hard to make authentic connections with other people if you don't authentically know yourself. 

[00:12:23] Brianna: I think people have to figure out not just the bigger like, existential question of who am I, but what are my interests? Like what lights me up

[00:12:33] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:12:34] Kate: gives me energy? And makes me feel like myself. And then I think within that, what am I willing to share with other people?

[00:12:43] Brianna: Because I think we all have interests that are just for us. have a wonderful three part series on that.

[00:12:48] Melissa: please check out the show notes or click right here.

[00:12:51] Melissa: what you're saying is really making me think like a perfect place to start is from a place of comfort, from one of those special interests, 

[00:12:57] Melissa: maybe, from a, like physical place where you [00:13:00] feel comfortable.

[00:13:00] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:13:01] Kate: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:02] Brianna: one of

[00:13:02] Kate: Yeah.

[00:13:02] Brianna: issues though, is like when we talk about finding community, there's this idea in my brain of having to go outside, having to go to a place I've never been before, 

[00:13:11] Brianna: and that's not always the case because that can be really scary and really hard to do the first time.

[00:13:16] Brianna: It's much easier to have like a buddy go with you, right? 

[00:13:19] Kate: Yes.

[00:13:20] Brianna: doubling

[00:13:21] Kate: Yeah,

[00:13:21] Brianna: great in this kind of instance. Finding something that

[00:13:23] Kate: absolutely.

[00:13:24] Brianna: interested in, that you already are familiar with and just finding a person there who you connect to and then moving forward in like little steps.

[00:13:31] Brianna: It doesn't have to be this huge, 

[00:13:33] Kate: if you are doing this as a DH ADHDers do jumping from zero to 100, you're gonna have a hard time.

[00:13:40] Kate: Yeah. Absolutely. And that reminds me something I heard on another podcast, Tina Etheridge on Connected Divergence. 

[00:13:47] Kate: She had this episode about learning from your own resistance, and she suggested figuring out the high, medium, and low comfort versions of something.

[00:13:58] Melissa: Yes.

[00:13:58] Kate: really think like [00:14:00] defining for yourself intentionally, and this is something I do with coaching clients of like, okay, let's say your goal is to meet some new people.

[00:14:08] Kate: What is the most low comfort version of that? Like for me, it would be like crowded bar. I don't really drink. So like crowded bar where everybody accept me as drinking. It's hard for me to hear conversations because there's loud background music. if it's smokey or people are bumping into me that would,

[00:14:28] Melissa: overload.

[00:14:29] Kate: yes.

[00:14:30] Kate: But like hearing yourself define like, what do I not want and what would keep me from pushing through the resistance to do something that could be good for me is really valuable .

[00:14:42] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:14:43] Kate: I love your idea about like what spaces make me feel safe. the Durham County Library is amazing and has so many events for adults.

[00:14:52] Kate: they have a lunchtime event. called Making Friends as an Adult is Hard. It's like a series that they have and you can like bring your lunch and [00:15:00] hang out at the library and talk to people.

[00:15:01] Brianna: That is

[00:15:02] Kate: Like that's, yes, I love that. for some people that would be a high comfort version of meeting people.

[00:15:09] Kate: it's a space that I know and where I'm comfortable. I have great emotional connections to the library. go there and meet people.

[00:15:16] Brianna: addresses the issue that a lot of young people are facing now who are transitioning into young adulthood where there are no free community gathering spaces anymore.

[00:15:24] Kate: Hmm.

[00:15:25] Brianna: to be dance

[00:15:26] Kate: Third spaces.

[00:15:27] Brianna: events like that, and some of

[00:15:29] Kate: Yeah.

[00:15:29] Brianna: which is amazing. 

[00:15:30] Brianna: but like even coffee shops will kick you out for loitering now. Like there's no free

[00:15:34] Brianna: places to exist, and if you live in a cold place like me, the winter months are inaccessible

[00:15:39] Melissa: Yeah,

[00:15:40] Brianna: outside and hanging out at a park 

[00:15:42] Melissa: I, 

[00:15:42] Kate: you're right.

[00:15:43] Melissa: out here too there is a possibility of something that's a little lower bar to entry, if you wanna do strategy games, you can join an online community and do something over, 

[00:15:51] Melissa: Zoom or something like that. 

[00:15:52] Kate: or Discord where you can connect with people, but you

[00:15:55] Kate: Mm-hmm.

[00:15:56] Melissa: of your home,

[00:15:56] Kate: Yeah,

[00:15:58] Melissa: of ultimate comfort.

[00:15:59] Kate: [00:16:00] absolutely. I was gonna say to meetup.com,

[00:16:02] Brianna: Yes.

[00:16:03] Kate: yeah, that's an yes, and I like that. That was actually how I made My first real friend when I came to North Carolina, she gave me this mug. I chose this mug today to remember how much she means to me.

[00:16:15] Melissa: Oh.

[00:16:15] Kate: the nice thing about Meetup is they are gatherings around a specific interest.

[00:16:20] Kate: You know, you have something in common with people when you get there. singles mixers or more open-ended, just come meet people kind of events. But I think that could be really scary Yes.

[00:16:34] Brianna: because it

[00:16:35] Kate: And that's again, structure. 

[00:16:37] Brianna: The

[00:16:37] Kate: Yes.

[00:16:38] Melissa: And expectation.

[00:16:40] Kate: Absolutely. Yes. 

[00:16:41] Brianna: because it, it creates

[00:16:42] Brianna: a conversation,

[00:16:43] Brianna: likeyou can have a conversation around your shared interests.

[00:16:45] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:16:46] Kate: Yes.

[00:16:46] Brianna: the language, the lingo, the culture around whatever it

[00:16:50] Kate: Yeah,

[00:16:51] Brianna: is there 'cause they enjoy the same thing

[00:16:53] Kate: going back to how do you push your boundaries? How do you meet your people? I think something that is important for people to keep in mind [00:17:00] is it is a practice. And practice means you don't get it right every time or it doesn't go perfectly every time.

[00:17:09] 

[00:17:09] Brianna: so you're saying if I'm not

[00:17:10] Brianna: immediately good at this, I should keep trying

[00:17:13] Kate: yeah. Or try it in a different way. everybody has felt lonely and excluded at some point to some degree,

[00:17:21] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:17:22] Kate: when you have already felt that way, pushing yourself to try one more thing and know there's a possibility of it not going the way you want it to, that's really, really hard.

[00:17:31] Kate: I went to a board games meetup. a couple weeks ago, it was fine, but I didn't really click with anybody who was there that day. that's not gonna stop me from trying again, but just knowing that one was kind of disappointing.

[00:17:44] Brianna: I went to a slow hiking one and 

[00:17:46] Melissa: Oh.

[00:17:46] Brianna: the people there, but they were all retired and that was not my life stage. 

[00:17:49] Kate: Oh, yeah, 

[00:17:50] Brianna: like I

[00:17:51] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:17:51] Brianna: those longer term connections. So that's the

[00:17:53] Brianna: It's like you might have fun in the instance and one social event might be your like, I've done it for the month, let's try again next month, 

[00:17:59] Brianna: [00:18:00] know your

[00:18:00] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:18:00] Brianna: and respect your energy 

[00:18:01] Melissa: but there's no hurt in trying, and you haven't failed if you tried it. Like you said, the age range wasn't for you. I was trying aerial silk things and everyone was

[00:18:11] Kate: Oh, cool.

[00:18:11] Melissa: to 22, and I'm like, you could be my child. Um, it wasn't connecting for me. 

[00:18:17] Kate: I think that really brings up something important is that another way to meet people can be through learning something, like taking a class, taking a workshop. especially if it's something where you are a beginner and it's a beginner class. when Brianna said the slow hike group, I love setting the expectations there of this is the speed, this is the pace you can expect, 

[00:18:42] Kate: connecting with people over a shared activity, can be really nice too, if you're nervous because you can participate but not talk in some cases. I took a pine needle basket weaving two day class.

[00:18:58] Melissa: Ooh.

[00:18:59] Kate: really cool. Yeah. And [00:19:00] the needles, they're from the coast in Florida, they're like 18 inches long.

[00:19:04] Kate: It's crazy. 

[00:19:05] Brianna: I can't believe I found

[00:19:06] Brianna: a basket weaver in the wild. 

[00:19:07] Kate: I love it, but it was mostly older ladies. I was definitely the youngest person there, but I really liked just listening to them talk it was cool. What doing a craft together brought up for people? Like, somebody made a different type of basket different types of basket weaving, 

[00:19:28] Kate: I just loved listening to other people's stories. when you go to something like a class or a workshop or even volunteering where there's a shared activity, you can connect with people to your comfort level,

[00:19:42] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:19:42] Kate: but still know you've got a connection to people because you're there for the same reason.

[00:19:46] Brianna: I'm in a yoga class right now. I don't talk to anyone while I'm there, but just having that social outing is getting me back into the swing of things

[00:19:57] Kate: it doesn't always have to be going to someplace with [00:20:00] the express purpose of I will have a friend from the end of

[00:20:04] Kate: Yeah.

[00:20:04] Brianna: be like having a shared activity and reserving your energy and conversation ability. for, the people that you already have in your life, or that one friend that you already have. Or forming connections a different way. So if you need that social thing and you're not quite ready yet, there are baby

[00:20:21] Melissa: Hmm.

[00:20:22] Kate: Yeah. And sometimes it takes multiple times meeting the same person to realize, oh, we do kind of click. 

[00:20:30] Melissa: sure.

[00:20:31] Kate: one thing that's coming up for me in all of this is that love of learning is a strength for so many people with ADHD. It is something that drives us and something that just lights up our hearts.

[00:20:40] Kate: I'm like happy fuzzy energy right now. I love it. No, you're exactly right though. And I love it. 

[00:20:45] 

[00:20:46] 

[00:20:46] Kate: I have been stuck on the idea of show and tell lately. That just keeps coming up for me. 

[00:20:51] Brianna: There is a trend

[00:20:52] Brianna: going around on the internet right now where friends who've known each other for years are showing and telling about various things. So like have a full

[00:20:59] Kate: I love that.

[00:20:59] Brianna: [00:21:00] what

[00:21:00] Kate: I love that. 

[00:21:01] Brianna: or their

[00:21:01] Kate: Yes,

[00:21:03] Brianna: and their PowerPoint presentation level of getting to know your friends on a deeper

[00:21:08] Melissa: Oh.

[00:21:08] Brianna: 

[00:21:08] Kate: I think it's beautiful too. And I think if you can Teach something to somebody that is so empowering, you don't have to be an expert to teach something, but just to share what you know about a topic or to demonstrate making something even talking about like, if you wanna buy a certain kind of product, these are the things you could look for.

[00:21:28] Kate: I would love to have that kind of instruction.

[00:21:30] Melissa: like,

[00:21:30] Kate: It's amazing.

[00:21:31] Melissa: those PowerPoint presentations, even people who are already friends, it's to get to know them

[00:21:37] Kate: Yes.

[00:21:38] Melissa: and

[00:21:38] Kate: Yes. And different angles. 

[00:21:41] Brianna: is a hot dog a sandwich? Let's discuss.

[00:21:44] Melissa: is a wrap sandwich. 

[00:21:45] Kate: Is cereal soup. 

[00:21:46] Brianna: cereal 

[00:21:47] Brianna: is 

[00:21:47] Melissa: cold 

[00:21:48] Brianna: soup

[00:21:48] Brianna: I stand by 

[00:21:49] Melissa: you've just broke my brain.

[00:21:51] Kate: Yeah, that's what I'm here for. I knew I had a deeper purpose in coming to this podcast, and

[00:21:56] 

[00:21:56] Kate: we've talked about all of the benefits and how amazing it is to [00:22:00] find community and to have people in your life that truly understand you on a deeper level. And it can be fellow neurodivergents 'cause we have the same brains, same language, same culture, but it could also just be people with similar interests. However, when you are looking for these connections, we can be very easily taken advantage of because we might lack the ability to read social cues. There are people out there who will offer friendship in a one sided way where they will dump their problems on you.

[00:22:33] Brianna: They will ask you for favors, and you're thinking, I have the most amazing friend. But then when it comes time for them to support you, they're not there. recognizing that difference between, is that person there for you? Are they reaching out the same amount that you are, is really important when you're looking for this kind of healthy community. 

[00:22:50] Melissa: I could imagine that it would require and be necessary to set really good, healthy boundaries in these situations.

[00:22:56] Brianna: Well, it's tough because how do you recognize it in the first

[00:22:59] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:59] Brianna: you might already [00:23:00] have really good boundaries in place for I don't accept being mistreated, but how do you know you're being mistreated?

[00:23:04] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:23:05] Brianna: because if you don't have those skills built from childhood into adulthoodit's kind of difficult. 

[00:23:10] Melissa: if someone is being a one-sided friend, there can also be financial manipulation and abuse 

[00:23:16] Melissa: Mm-hmm.

[00:23:16] Brianna: we tend to, at a higher rate than the neurotypical population, get into abusive relationships because we are looking for a person

[00:23:25] Melissa: Yeah,

[00:23:25] Brianna: any person to break us out of our loneliness, to help us feel connected is gonna be who we're looking for.

[00:23:32] Brianna: if you feel like someone hurts you and they don't honestly apologize to you, and work through it with you, and they just keep hurting you or you feel anxious a lot, that could be a warning sign that maybe this friendship is not a loving, caring one.

[00:23:46] Brianna: You should communicate with your people, but if you have a sense that something might be off, perhaps ask someone that you do trust to evaluate the situation.

[00:23:56] Melissa: I like that.

[00:23:57] Brianna: AI to help you evaluate the [00:24:00] situation. Just get an outside perspective on it. test your understanding of what's happening to see if your feelings are real or imagined.

[00:24:09] Kate: I think too, something that's, um, hard for people often is seeing long-term patterns, if you start to suspect, I don't know if this person is for me, after you've been with them, like just do a little journaling or a voice, voice memo or like a brain dump of like, how am I feeling right now?

[00:24:26] Kate: Because I think if it's a person you see, every couple weeks, you can kind of forget how they make you feel in between times. give yourself evidence of how this person makes you feel so you can reflect on that.

[00:24:39] Brianna: that's a really good point. Memory aids.

[00:24:41] Kate: Yeah, really

[00:24:43] Melissa: we'll forget or anything

[00:24:44] Brianna: to talk about what healthy, supportive community looks like, I think Kate, you have an example, you are working on a project right now to build some kind of healthy community.

[00:24:52] Melissa: one of my proudest offerings is this, I call it adult study hall that I have at the Durham County Library. it's structured [00:25:00] co-working. it's people coming together like, bring that thing that you have been putting off and we're gonna get it done together.

[00:25:06] Brianna: Amazing.

[00:25:06] Kate: adult study hall. Brings the right kind of vibe. It's like we are all here to work side by side. And I have that thing that like, I don't really wanna do, but I know I need to do. I always start that study hall session by letting people say if they want, what they plan on working on, what's your intention for this session?

[00:25:26] Kate: And we get to learn about each other that way. Like she's a freelance writer and she's an illustrator and he's looking for jobs in this particular field. And they brought a big stack of receipts that they've been meaning to go through. people do all kinds of different things, but hearing what people are working on is a cool way for people to connect and stay afterwards and talk to each other.

[00:25:47] Melissa: you're bringing an opportunity for networking.

[00:25:50] Kate: Structure and expectations, but flexibility within that structure where people can get out of it, what they need to get out of it. 

[00:25:59] Brianna: That is the [00:26:00] biggest, most important piece. So if you don't know where to begin, look for structure with flexibility, right? Because if you have time-blindness and you're like, I have to be someplace by six, and you can't really get there and you're always late, it's gonna cause anxiety.

[00:26:12] Brianna: so if you can have structure, you're like, I understand the rules of this event. I understand what the purpose is, and if I'm sick one day, there's no shame in that. If I show up a little bit late, 

[00:26:20] 

[00:26:21] Brianna: I get so lit up and excited and empowered. By helping people make connections. that is something that has been true about me for as long as I can remember.

[00:26:33] Kate: Like, I had like a community library in my bedroom when I was growing up 

[00:26:40] Kate: was just like, I don't know, like a weird assortment Of books. Like some old textbook my mom had from college and like the box car children and like a dictionary. And I like, I had my little setup and I wanted, I dunno how people are gonna find out about this library, but I wanted people to come and like, use the library.

[00:26:59] 

[00:27:00] Kate: Kate, You've done such a great job of creating multiple communities.

[00:27:04] Kate: I think one element of a shared healthy community is shared values or interests. And I think like the library example would be like, those are people who are all trying to build accountability for themselves. 

[00:27:19] Kate: being with people who are, learning the same kind of things, working on the same sort of things, interested in the same sort of things. That's one element also just like general, this is gonna be oversimplified, but like safe spaces for people to see, like they can be who they are and unmask and share things about themselves at their comfort level.

[00:27:40] Brianna: a shared healthy community is the space where everybody feels like there is room for them to contribute something.

[00:27:46] Melissa: Hmm. Very much so.

[00:27:48] Kate: And it doesn't have to look like what everybody else is doing, like the way you show up and what you contribute.

[00:27:56] Kate: building off what felt like the value of that [00:28:00] library event. I decided to start a Discord community so that people could body double virtually together. But yeah, 

[00:28:09] Kate: it's really been beautiful to see how this is growing. people are definitely coworking I have a structured planned session each week, but people are doing it without me, which is exactly what I wanted, 

[00:28:24] Kate: the benefit of something like this versus apps where you can do body doubling is with this one, you're seeing the same people week after week and you're recognizing voices and you're getting to know like, oh, this is the person, who's the Spanish interpreter? Or, this person has four kids at home.

[00:28:42] Kate: Like you're learning things about each other and building community because it's the same people showing up over and over again. consistency is another element of a shared community of like seeing the same people

[00:28:55] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:28:55] Melissa: That routine and that predictability. But again, there's flexibility [00:29:00] within it. Like we know, every other Tuesday morning we're gonna show up and work together, but what we're doing each time and exactly who shows up might be a little different

[00:29:08] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:29:09] Kate: time.

[00:29:09] Melissa: what is the launch date for your discord?

[00:29:12] Kate: it's actually coming up Monday, May 12th. there are a bunch of text-based channels. there is a show and tell channel where people can post things they've

[00:29:21] Melissa: I love

[00:29:21] Kate: baked or created or thrifted or crafted.

[00:29:26] Kate: There's, a weekly accountability and goals channel where people can post, describe what they wanna work on, and then check back in. I have a Hive Mind channel, which is sort of collaborative troubleshooting of like, Hey, I've been having trouble with this issue. Does anybody have a tool that would work for this?

[00:29:45] Kate: And people can share. And that's again, like people contributing. Everybody's got something that works for them.

[00:29:50] Melissa: Is this a small fee to get involved?

[00:29:53] Kate: So there's just, the text-based channel is 10 bucks a month, and then all of the text-based stuff [00:30:00] plus, the video channels. And it's, I think it's over 13 hours a month of direct contact with me as a professional coach. coach is 35 a month.

[00:30:09] Melissa: That is very affordable, especially in this day and age.

[00:30:13] Kate: I think everybody, no matter who you are, can benefit from extra support and accountability. Even if one-on-one coaching isn't accessible for you right now, I think something like this can really be a game changer it has been beautiful in these last couple months of beta testing 

[00:30:30] Kate: one of my members this week is at a conference. She sent me a message and wants to share what she learned at this conference with the Discord group because she said like, I learned stuff that I'm realizing is really helpful for me, and I think other people could benefit from this information.

[00:30:46] Kate: I would love if we do like a monthly sign up for a time slot and teach people something that would make me so excited.

[00:30:53] Melissa: That's awesome.

[00:30:54] Brianna: Yeah, this sounds like an amazing space. 

[00:30:57] Kate: Thank you.

[00:30:57] Brianna: I would like to participate in this. Thank you.

[00:30:59] Kate: You [00:31:00] are welcome

[00:31:00] Kate: it's just nice. We can be a little silly too. Of course there's a memes channel. I mean, is it really like a neurodivergent affirming space if you don't have memes? we have a memes channel. 

[00:31:11] Brianna: do you have a pets

[00:31:13] Brianna: channel?

[00:31:14] Kate: We have a furry friends channel.

[00:31:15] Brianna: Okay. Thank

[00:31:16] Melissa: God. 

[00:31:17] Brianna: yeah, there's a tangents channel. 

[00:31:19] Brianna: That's fun.

[00:31:20] Kate: I have a self-care channel. Brianna, you'll like this. There's a fun facts channel I think my instructions are like, if you watched a cool YouTube video and wanna talk about what you learned, here's your space to do it.

[00:31:31] Melissa: I'm excited. 

[00:31:32] Brianna: For any listeners who are interested, the link will be in the show notes 

[00:31:36] 

[00:31:37] Brianna: today we talked about why community matters. how to build community. stepping outside of your comfort zone, finding your people, and you know, a little bit of a, a disclaimer of, you know, take. Accountability for your own emotions and keeping track of those to make sure that you are being treated the way that you deserve to be treated. we talked a little bit [00:32:00] about how you could start to build these kind of communities through shared interests, repeated meetings, right? Because it can't just be one time, and we talked about the low, medium, or high stakes kind of thing, and different things that you could get involved with to not spend your life lonely and miserable, but to actually find a community of people rather than just being a individual in the whole wide world.

[00:32:26] Melissa: Kate Sage, thank you so much for being here with us today.

[00:32:28] Brianna: you.

[00:32:29] Kate: This has been so much fun.

[00:32:30] Melissa: If you're in need of further ADHD support, you can find me@likemindcoaching.com 

[00:32:37] Brianna: You can find me@understandingadhd.ca.

[00:32:40] Melissa: and Kate, where can we find you?

[00:32:41] Kate: You can find me at sage. EF stands for executive function sage ef.com.

[00:32:47] Melissa: Until next time, bye.

[00:32:49] Brianna: Bye 

[00:32:50] [00:33:00] Bye.