ADHD vs Love: Why ADHD Makes You Feel Like a Bad Partner

Ever feel like you're failing your partner—no matter how hard you try?
ADHD can twist even the best intentions into missed connections, misunderstood actions, and emotional disconnection. In this episode of Hypercast, we unpack the raw truth behind why relationships feel so hard when you're neurodivergent—and what can actually shift the dynamic.

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🔹 Melissa Llewellyn Snider – ADHD Coach, Educator & EP of Hypercast
Melissa helps ADHDers build systems and strategies for life, work, and executive function challenges.
📍 https://likemindcoaching.com/

🔹 Brianna Morton – ADHD Coach, Educator & Therapist
Brianna blends ADHD education with mental health support and executive function tools.
📍 https://understandingadhd.ca/

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🎥 Watch next: ADHD& Masking→ https://youtu.be/Mz3zUbptYPg
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🧠 About Hypercast
Real talk about ADHD life—challenges, systems, relationships, work, and the moments in between. Hosted by two ADHD coaches who’ve lived it.

#ADHD #Neurodivergent #ADHDPodcast #Hypercast

Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com

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Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca

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Transcript

ADHD vs Love: Why ADHD Makes You Feel Like a Bad Partner

[00:00:00] Open

[00:00:00] Melissa: Have you ever had that moment where you're trying your absolute hardest to be a good partner and it still feels like you keep screwing up, like you are showing up and you are doing your best and it's just not landing. Today we're talking about A DHD and relationships, specifically romantic [00:00:20] relationships.

[00:00:20] Brianna: 

[00:00:20] Brianna: Welcome to Hyper Cast.

[00:00:21] Melissa: to Hyper Cast. Hi, I'm Melissa Llewellyn Snider, an ADHD coach and educator.

[00:00:26] Brianna: I'm Brianna Morton, a neuro affirming therapist and ADHD coach.

[00:00:30] Melissa: Romantic relationships can bring out both the best and the hardest parts of having A DHD. It's where our challenges show up the most and where the need for support [00:00:40] gets really, really real. 

[00:00:41] Melissa: ADHD is a disability, right? And so there are pieces where we will struggle and we will need support. And typically it's either your parents or your partner that's providing that day-to-day support. romantic relationship with a partner is a lot different than a relationship with a friend in terms of how [00:01:00] much accommodation you're going to require.

[00:01:02] Melissa AI: The common term that is often used to describe your significant other is partner and partner is a great word because that is exactly what we need to be.

[00:01:11] Brianna: We're not bad partners. We're actually probably the best partners you're gonna find in terms of romantic [00:01:20] relationships.

[00:01:20] Melissa: reframe that and say we potentially have all it takes to be the best kind of partners.

[00:01:25] Brianna: You can absolutely reframe that. But I'm gonna stick here in my narcissism and say I am the best and anyone who dates me is incredibly lucky.

[00:01:33] Brianna: ​

[00:01:34] Brianna: there's a lot of like, care and attention that we'll put into the relationship. And then on the flip side [00:01:40] of that, because everything with ADHD is variable. There's the, object permanence, oremotional permanence

[00:01:45] Melissa: Ah, re remembering

[00:01:47] Melissa: the person's there.

[00:01:48] Brianna: Yeah, where you might forget that your partner exists if you're in a hyperfocus or if they're at work or you're at work and then you come home and there's this like puppy dog almost attitude of like, oh, my partner's [00:02:00] home.

[00:02:00] Brianna: I love them so much.

[00:02:01] Melissa: It's wild how you can love someone so deeply and totally lose track of them. When your brain's doing its own thing. It's not caring less, it's just the A DHD and that's how our brains work. 

[00:02:14] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:02:15] Melissa: I just, just saw the date and I, I forget my wedding anniversary a [00:02:20] lot. It is a common joke, me and my spouse. Um, butwe have a wedding anniversary next week 

[00:02:26] Brianna: well happy anniversary.

[00:02:28] Melissa: you.

[00:02:28] Melissa: We've been married for 17 years.

[00:02:29] Brianna: That's amazing. 

[00:02:30] Brianna: But, but let's talk about that. 

[00:02:31] Brianna: if your partner consistently forgets things, that's one of the things that can be quite a struggle that can tear people apart. So for you, you just said [00:02:40] sometimes I forget my anniversary.

[00:02:41] Melissa: it has become a fun game of who, whoever remembers our wedding anniversary wins 

[00:02:47] Brianna: There you go.

[00:02:48] Melissa: we don't do the, Hey, you know,our anniversaries next week. no, like we plan to sneak attack the other person

[00:02:54] Brianna: I love that there's, it's not just like a fun, like inside joke It's [00:03:00] a strategy of like, Hey, like I understand that you struggle with remembering and so you've made a game out of it. You've made it fun, you've made it interesting, and there's no shame or blame or guilt associated with it because your partner's understanding.

[00:03:14] Melissa: Absolutely. And the thing is, is that through communication and through fun and [00:03:20] exploration, we've been able to bypass a little bit of those feelings that come up of, oh, I'm being a bad partner because I'm not living up to a societal expectation. Yeah. We've kind of created our own tradition out of the forgetting, and that's the part that makes it fun and memorable when we look back on it.

[00:03:38] Brianna: I think it's important to [00:03:40] embrace who you are and you and I have joked that ADHD is our personality, 

[00:03:44] Brianna: It is my identity at this point. 

[00:03:46] Melissa: embracing it, instead of being upset by what the ADHD brings, 

[00:03:50] Brianna: because otherwise you could get really bogged down in that negativity of I'm a really horrible partner.

[00:03:56] Brianna: Or your partner could view you as really horrible as well as like, oh, I asked you to bring milk home [00:04:00] from the store and you've forgotten for the 17th time. Do you even love me?

[00:04:04] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:04:04] Brianna: And placing all these unrealistic expectations on things that we have no control over. 

[00:04:10] Melissa: if a couple is having that kind of argument, they're not communicating. Because if it's the 17th time this has happened, that means you need a new strategy. [00:04:20] You need a new system that works for both of you.

[00:04:23] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:04:23] Melissa: I think when we talk about ADHD and management of ADHD. we don't often talk about the need for those systems to involve our partners.

[00:04:33] Brianna: That's a really great point I often rely on my partner for my systems to function, and you have to have a really [00:04:40] good supportive partner for that to be possible because if a system falls through because the partner's unreliable, then your life is now struggling, not just the relationship.

[00:04:50] Melissa: Because you're disabled and need different supports. It's really amazing to have a partner who's willing to fill those needs, but they [00:05:00] don't have to, for you to stay in the relationship. they have to want to support you as best they can, but if something doesn't work, then work together to find a solution.

[00:05:09] Brianna: there has to be this level of communication and understanding. No one's perfect.

[00:05:13] Melissa: ​

[00:05:14] Melissa: if you are later diagnosed and you're already in a relationship. And now you have to go on this journey of self [00:05:20] understanding and discovery, and your partner has to come along too. There needs to be a level of curiosity, openness, willingness, and you have to be willing to learn together. Otherwise, there's going to become this disconnect

[00:05:32] Melissa: And that shift doesn't just happen overnight. It's hard to ask your partner to adjust to this new version of [00:05:40] you.

[00:05:40] Brianna: Of the person you used to be while you were masking and on the edge of burnout and barely functioning.

[00:05:46] Brianna: you've got this new diagnosis and you're trying to understand who you are and you're unmasking, and then stuff gets hard and your partner is like, well, you used to be able to do this.

[00:05:54] Melissa: It's like you are playing this role and playing it so well and now they don't believe you when you take that mask off. [00:06:00] And that can hurt so much more than people realize.

[00:06:02] Brianna: instead of support, it can be even harder. And it, it makes you unwilling to do the hard work of learning and unmasking because there isn't a support system around you.

[00:06:11] Melissa: Explaining to a partner, you've been masking your entire relationship and that you're so exhausted, you are about to break down and [00:06:20] things need to shift, That is something that's not always gonna be understood by a partner. 

[00:06:23] Brianna: our previous episode of masking, you and I had talked about of the really hard things about unmasking when you've been in an established relationshipthe person may not recognize the person you are once you take the masks off.

[00:06:36] Brianna: you might not recognize who you are once the mask is off,

[00:06:39] Melissa: [00:06:40] true.

[00:06:40] Brianna: ​

[00:06:40] Melissa: And if all of a sudden you're confronted with somethinguh, that you've been carrying around as a belief, it could be life shattering, 

[00:06:46] Brianna: there was a study several years ago it said that men were more likely to leave their wives if their wives got sick, right?

[00:06:56] Brianna: If there was some kind of condition where they were no longer able to [00:07:00] take care of the household.

[00:07:01] Melissa: that's a dick move. 

[00:07:02] Brianna: So that is a big fear for us, ADHDers, in terms of a partner leaving you because you cannot complete. Certain adult tasks, like managing finances, taking care of a home, organizing, whatever. 

[00:07:19] Melissa: [00:07:20] if you are scared to come out to a partner, which is essentially what this is of like, Hey, I am disabled. I will need assistance as I'm going through this journey, I was able to take care of myself, manage a household, and now all of a sudden, I can't, and having that sudden.

[00:07:38] Brianna: Disability something [00:07:40] where it's like this person is going to be changed and my relationship is going to be forever changed that's really, really terrifying for both people

[00:07:48] Brianna: my spouse has diabetes and he often says that ADHD is compared to diabetes for specific reasons. It is something that you're diagnosed with that requires entire lifestyle management 

[00:07:58] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:07:59] Melissa: of your [00:08:00] life.

[00:08:00] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:08:00] Melissa: and, when he looked at my ADHD through his diabetes lens and just shifted it a little bit, it made so much sense to him understanding that, life needed to shift, but we needed to change together and we needed to make lifestyle shifts

[00:08:16] Melissa: as you were saying, we're partners. We're supposed to grow together.

[00:08:19] Brianna: that shift [00:08:20] of expectations is a really great way to handle, Neurodivergence becoming a part of the story it was always there, but now, you know, shifting the expectations, shifting maybe some of the responsibility until there is a new normal, until there is a new equal, until it feels fair and balanced again, but [00:08:40] in a different way.

[00:08:40] Melissa: ​

[00:08:41] Melissa: what if my partner doesn't believe me when I say I'm trying, how do I explain ADHD behavior without sounding like it's an excuse?

[00:08:48] Brianna: we talked about like forgetfulness, which is a big one in relationships. Like remembering important dates is, is really important. 'cause it shows that you care.

[00:08:56] Melissa: That's such a hard one for me. I care deeply, [00:09:00] but because, you know, poor working memory, my brain just doesn't hold onto things sometimes.

[00:09:06] Brianna: Communicate about that. Set new expectations, find a balance, find a new normal where the shift feels fair for everyone. Let's say you're stuck in paralysis mode.

[00:09:15] Brianna: You have an appointment at two and you're on the couch and your partner's been cleaning up the kitchen [00:09:20] or you know they came home from work and you're like, well, why are you still on the couch? Like I asked you to do this or you were home all morning and you didn't do anything.

[00:09:28] Brianna: And there's that kind of shame piece of like, well I wanted to but I couldn't get off the couch 'cause I couldn't figure out where to start. It always sounds like an excuse if you don't have the knowledge and the understanding and the awareness of what ADHD [00:09:40] is. 

[00:09:40] 

[00:09:40] Melissa: definitely had those moments just sitting on the couch knowing what needs to get done, but my whole body just feeling like a pile of bricks.

[00:09:50] Melissa: It's not about pushing through, it's about finding a small starting point and building momentum from there 

[00:09:56] Brianna: And you know what? I'm just gonna give myself a little grace here [00:10:00] because I've been doing a lot of other things. and how often do we actually stop and notice all the stuff that we've been doing 

[00:10:09] Brianna: That's another really great strategy that I've been employing recently because sometimes noticing is hard if you're like. 

[00:10:15] Brianna: Distracted or whatever, I think I call it a Ta-Dah list of like, here's all the stuff I've already [00:10:20] done today. And then I can share that with my partner and my partner shares theirs with me.

[00:10:24] Brianna: And then we can both recognize like how much the other one has done and celebrate each other's wins and successes and feel successful together and 

[00:10:33] Melissa: ​

[00:10:34] Melissa: So I was wondering, do you think that A DHD makes it more [00:10:40] likely for someone to feel attacked by their partner's needs or feelings?

[00:10:44] Melissa: for us, ADHD is very common to feel attacked. Then as a result of this rejection sensitivity 

[00:10:50] Brianna: And then there's that miscommunication piece again that comes into play. So quite frequently if there isn't already an understanding and communication surrounding [00:11:00] these are my needs.

[00:11:00] Brianna: Sometimes I forget, like emotional permanence, right? Like sometimes I forget that you love me, are the reasons why I'm lovable.

[00:11:07] Melissa: Yeah. And that can be so hard to explain to someone who doesn't experience it.

[00:11:12] Brianna: And the other person is like, why are you doubting this? I've done nothing to make you doubt this relationship. those feelingsif they're not communicated about and validated and [00:11:20] listened to, then you get into conflict.

[00:11:22] Brianna: 

[00:11:22] Melissa: we have ADHD, we like, when the expectations are known, and we feel very confident when they're met.

[00:11:28] Brianna: It is so reassuring, and I feel so loved and so seen when a plan is made by my partner and they're the ones who, who follow through 

[00:11:39] Brianna: And they're like, [00:11:40] I got you.

[00:11:41] Brianna: that is so reassuring.

[00:11:42] Melissa: That kind of follow through speaks louder than anything else. It's not just about the plan, it's the message underneath. It's like they're saying you are safe. 

[00:11:52] Melissa: when my husband and I were dating, after our first date, he didn't wanna call me because he didn't want to like, freak me out. like, I'm waiting [00:12:00] seven days to call you.

[00:12:01] Melissa: I got in touch with him and told him, if you like a girl, you call her. he has called me every single day. We've been apart since that day.

[00:12:08] Brianna: That is absolutely the most adorable thing I've ever heard.

[00:12:12] Melissa: For me, that one call a day means more than any grand gesture. It's that daily I see you. 

[00:12:19] Melissa: why do I [00:12:20] feel like I'm failing as a partner?

[00:12:21] Brianna: if you don't understand how to communicate. Your needs, which are different. 'cause there are executive dysfunction pieces that, you know, task prioritization, organization, time management, all of those pieces that go into a healthy relationship. Like being late for a date, 

[00:12:39] Melissa: I [00:12:40] hate it every time we make plans and I am running behind and I'm berating myself in my head going, oh, you're doing it again.

[00:12:48] Brianna: you take extra time to get ready for things. Having a partner who waits for you, picks you up, makes sure that you're on time and doesn't shame you for being late or, make you feel lesser than for things that [00:13:00] you're struggling with.

[00:13:01] Brianna: I can understand how that would make you feel like you're failing, but a good partner wouldn't make you feel like a failure for those traits.

[00:13:09] Melissa: And it's not just about running late or forgetting things, it can show up in really personal ways too.

[00:13:14] Brianna: Another potential area where you might feel like you're failing as a partner [00:13:20] is with intimacy.

[00:13:23] Brianna: Specifically, there might be some sensory issues like with kissing, like there's saliva and there's noises, and maybe sensory issues. you don't like being touched or hugged 

[00:13:32] Melissa: It is crazy how much shame can build up over the smallest little things. You start thinking, if I were a better partner, this [00:13:40] wouldn't be a problem, but it's an issue. And it's not about trying harder, it's about being honest about what's actually hard. I mean, I'm not a big hugger.

[00:13:50] Brianna: Exactly. And so if you communicate often and early about what your sensory needs are in terms of like, Hey, I don't like unexpected kisses.

[00:13:59] Brianna: Or like [00:14:00] if I'm in the right mood for a kiss, like if a hug if I ask for it, right? Maybe you're like me, like I am a hugger, right? I do like deep pressure and so I will often go in for a cuddle or a hug.

[00:14:11] Brianna: and that communication's very important because if someone tries to hug you and you're like, no, no, no, and you don't communicate why you're acting like [00:14:20] that,

[00:14:20] Brianna: Exactly.

[00:14:21] Melissa: Yeah, it could seem like rejection, but really it's like your brain and your nervous system saying not right now. And in that moment it's not always easy to communicate that.

[00:14:31] Melissa: So it does make sense that things could get misread even if there's no ill will behind it. 

[00:14:37] Brianna: typically there is this expectation in romantic [00:14:40] relationships for physical intimacy and having conversations around that. In terms of your sensory sensitivities, any differences, any kind of focus or distractibility or anything that makes you feel like you are not performing your role as a partner

[00:14:57] Melissa: and that feeling of failing sneaks in here [00:15:00] when the world says this is what being a good partner looks like.

[00:15:03] Melissa: And your brain and body are saying, no thank you. That's not a failure. That's just different. And that deserves space too.

[00:15:10] Melissa: ​

[00:15:11] Melissa: signs that things are not good, that you may need to consider examining your relationship

[00:15:17] Melissa: we can lean a little naive at times, especially when we're [00:15:20] younger.

[00:15:20] Brianna: with ADHD, there is always the potential for abuse.

[00:15:24] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:15:24] Brianna: because of what I described in the beginning of this level of obsession,

[00:15:29] Melissa: And our tendency for people pleasing.

[00:15:31] Brianna: tendency for people pleasing, stress around getting rejected as well. I have to be perfect. I have to do everything they ask, because if I don't, they'll leave me and then I'll be [00:15:40] alone.

[00:15:40] Brianna: it's very easy to get yourself into a situation where you start to feel dependent on another person again, because living independently can be quite difficult And so having a partner to support you on the days when you're not feeling your best is so helpful.

[00:15:52] Brianna: having that support network taken away. Can be quite scary as well. And so like if you're in one of these relationships [00:16:00] where maybe there was love bombing or equality in the beginning and then it turns sour 

[00:16:05] Brianna: How do you get out? How do you recognize the signs when there is all this anxiety about rejection and need for support? How do you notice those signs?

[00:16:16] Melissa: wanna point out, if you are in an abusive relationship, we will make sure to [00:16:20] put resources in the description. 

[00:16:22] Melissa: a sign is like isolating.

[00:16:24] Brianna: that's very difficult because if you are on the autism spectrum, for example, a lot of people tend to only have their partners as their social circle, we have very, very small social circles because that's who we feel safe on masking around.

[00:16:37] Brianna: And so that isolation might not [00:16:40] be evident, or it might even be self-imposed.

[00:16:42] Brianna: and that makes it even trickier to spot when something's off. Also, part of being in a relationship, part of supporting one another is making sure that no one person in the relationship is ever expected to be everything. We have a responsibility [00:17:00] not just to our partners, but to ourselves to keep our other connections alive.

[00:17:03] Melissa: that means friendships and communities.

[00:17:05] Melissa: Anyone who helps us stay grounded, that's not a betrayal of intimacy. That's what helps us thrive,

[00:17:11] Brianna: Yes.

[00:17:12] Brianna: But that's actually a good way of telling. If you're in a. Potentially abusive relationship have an unbiased [00:17:20] third party weigh in, like, Hey, do you think everything's going well? normally your friends and family will be able to tell if you're in a healthy relationship or not.

[00:17:27] Brianna: Whereas you might have on the rose colored glasses or be unwilling to analyze your situation. 'cause you are in fight or flight all the time and so there is no capacity to determine whether or not you're safe or unsafe. Again, [00:17:40] another reason not to self isolate, thinking partners are great.

[00:17:42] Brianna: Not putting too much pressure on your partner, but also having an objective third party to check in.

[00:17:48] Melissa: you said fight or flight. is people pleasing? Fawning?

[00:17:50] Brianna: yes, it is.

[00:17:51] Melissa: That's something else. 

[00:17:53] Brianna: people pleasing can be everything from, being you know, the teacher's pet to [00:18:00] being subservient a very unhealthy relationship.

[00:18:02] Brianna: Yeah. To briefly touch on that, people pleasing is another place you can get into potential danger in a relationship. especially when it comes to. physical intimacy specifically in the bedroom. it's another sign to look out for of like, is what you are doing with [00:18:20] your partner something that you actually want?

[00:18:22] Brianna: Or is it something that they want and you're doing to fulfill a need? I'm not saying that's not the case in healthy relationships, like there is compromise there typically, but it's another sign to look out for and maybe consider how your ADHD does impact you in that space.

[00:18:37] Melissa: And if you find yourself avoiding things [00:18:40] or everything inside your chest going, no, this doesn't feel right. Examine why you're having those feelings instead of just continue to go along 

[00:18:47] Melissa: If someone respects your no listens to when you are uncomfortable and adjusts with you, that's what safety looks like. Not walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. 

[00:18:59] Brianna: And [00:19:00] if you are in a healthy relationship, you can communicate to your partner about how you're feeling and they will address those things and you can work together to create a healthy relationship,

[00:19:10] Melissa: Even in good relationships, it's okay to check in with yourself and ask, do I feel like me here? Do I feel safe here? That's not doubt, that's self-awareness. 

[00:19:19] Brianna: ​

[00:19:20] Brianna: ADHD is not a sentence for loneliness. You can find fulfilling relationships and you can find healthy relationships, and it doesn't have to prevent you from finding them. It can actually be a boon in some relationships. 

[00:19:36] Brianna: Have a conversation with your partner. Communicate about what your [00:19:40] needs are, try and understand yourself and be as good a partner to your partner as you can. 

[00:19:46] Melissa: in a healthy relationship, if you're a good partner, you're gonna get that back

[00:19:50] Brianna: We deserve love.

[00:19:51] Brianna: You deserve love. I'm looking at the audience right now. You deserve love just because you feel you're, you've been made to feel like [00:20:00] you're broken or lesser than. That is not true. 

[00:20:04] Melissa: Living with a DHD means you're constantly living in a world that wasn't built for your brain, but relationships don't have to add that weight. The right ones feel like an exhale, not effort.

[00:20:16] Melissa: if you are in need of further ADHD support, you can find [00:20:20] me@likemindcoaching.com.

[00:20:21] Brianna: And you can find me@understandingadhd.ca.

[00:20:25] Melissa: Until next time. Bye./

[00:20:27] Melissa: