Can’t Keep Up? The Hidden Cost of ADHD & Unrealistic Expectations

Feeling like you're always behind—even when you're doing your best?
In this episode of Hypercast, Melissa and Brianna unpack the complicated relationship ADHDers have with expectations—from perfectionism and time blindness to burnout and shame. Whether it's society's demands or the pressure we put on ourselves, we explore how to reframe what “realistic” even means.

👉 Need more support? Work with Melissa: https://www.likemindcoaching.com
👉 Need more support? Connect with Brianna: https://www.understandingadhd.ca

🎙️ Co-Hosts
Melissa Llewellyn Snider is an ADHD coach and the Executive Producer of Hypercast. She supports individuals and organizations through 1-to-1 coaching and corporate education.
Website: https://www.likemindcoaching.com

Brianna Morton is an ADHD coach and therapist intern. She’s passionate about helping ADHDers navigate everyday life with more clarity and self-compassion.
Website: https://www.understandingadhd.ca

🧠 What You'll Hear In This Episode:
Why ADHDers internalize unrealistic expectations

How memory, perfectionism, and emotional intensity shape our self-image

Strategies for managing time blindness and task friction

Letting go of the pressure to be perfect

How to communicate expectations in relationships

Why “just try harder” isn’t the answer—and what actually works

💬 Have your own experience with ADHD & expectations? Drop it in the comments!

#ADHDExpectations #ADHDBurnout #HypercastPodcast #NeurodivergentLife #ADHDPerfectionism

Melissa's Contact:
Email: melissa@likemindcoaching.com
www.likemindcoaching.com

Brianna's Contact:
Email: info@understandingadhd.ca
www.understandingADHD.ca

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Melissa: the podcast was supposed to come out on Wednesday, and I had a family emergency and couldn't get it out till Friday. I don't know, I sometimes, I think I just don't give myself like, space to be human. I'm like, oh, well other people are relying on me, but. When do I get to be human? When do I get to falter 

[00:00:17] Brianna: 

[00:00:17] Brianna: Welcome to Hyper Cast.

[00:00:19] Melissa: to Hyper Cast. Hi,

[00:00:20] Brianna: today we're gonna talk about expectations. 

[00:00:23] Melissa: there are a lot of expectations placed on individuals by society, but also by ourselves.

[00:00:29] Brianna: And us with a DHD are particularly susceptible to those societal expectations, 

[00:00:35] Melissa: it is nearly impossible to set realistic expectations, especially in a society governed by neurotypicals, where their expectations and societal rules don't necessarily match our brain chemistry. So talking about this hopefully brings to light the situations where you can adapt 

[00:00:54] Brianna: Melissa, you had an example that you wanted to dive into today.

[00:00:57] Melissa: it's really fun. I'm, I'm using [00:01:00] fun in quotation marks here. Um, it's really fun having a podcast about A DHD and having a DHD. There's a lot of things that go behind the scenes and it takes, it takes work and effort to get, from recording to actually publishing an episode. this week, the podcast was supposed to come out on Wednesday, and I had a family emergency and couldn't get it out till Friday. And I don't know, I sometimes, I think I just don't give myself like, space to be human. you know, I'm like, oh, well other people are relying on me, but. When do I get to be human? When do I get to falter? 

[00:01:32] Brianna: So you had this, like, you had this expectation where the podcast was released on Wednesday and it needs to be out by this time, and, and you set that yourself, and when you didn't meet that deadline, how, how did you feel? Sorry, that's a very therapy question. How did you feel when you'd missed that deadline? 

[00:01:47] Melissa: I, I felt horrible.it didn't matter how much I had completed up to that point, I just felt like nothing was done. And I felt like the all or nothing was really like coming into play. And there's that part of you that's like, [00:02:00] well, we might as well just give the entire project.

[00:02:02] Melissa: Right? Like, like

[00:02:03] Brianna: don't give up on the entire project.

[00:02:05] Melissa: podcast done. I'm two days late. We must just stop. 

[00:02:08] Brianna: I 100% understand that feeling. That definitely plagued my childhood if I missed something or like a deadline or something was not right, I just gave up on the whole thing because it the, it was too painful to persevere through, like failing expectations. I think it's that rejection sensitivity piece.

[00:02:28] Melissa: I remember being in elementary school doing my homework and being so afraid that like I didn't have the answers right, or that I didn't do as well as others, that I just leave it in my backpack. Like I wouldn't hand in it. I would not hand it in at all.that says something about what goes on inside, like our bodies and our brains when we have a DHD. 

[00:02:46] Brianna: Yeah. I mean something similar, not to the same stream, 'cause I'm still gonna hand in my thesis, but in my brain, even though I have 107 pages of it written. It's still not done. because it's not done, I have [00:03:00] nothing.

[00:03:00] Melissa: you told me the other day that, that you had a pref professor say, send to me what you have. And you were like, I have nothing. And,

[00:03:06] Brianna: I have nothing. Yeah. She, she wanted me to send in what I had and I was like, I can't because it's not complete yet. And so it won't, like why would you only read bits? Like no maybe this is the perfectionism piece of a DH. ADHD is like, I can't hand in something that's un, like incomplete.

[00:03:25] Brianna: I have never done a first draft in my life and I've done a thesis before. When I wrote my first thesis, I wrote one version of it.

[00:03:36] Melissa: but you just made the perfect

[00:03:37] Brianna: It was the perfect version. It was very stressful. I will say that I have edited things, But I've never, never rewritten large chunks of anything

[00:03:46] Melissa: Yeah,

[00:03:47] Brianna: because it was perfect the first time and I can't submit anything that's less than perfect. So there is no need for revision, right? you can't see it until I've already done that step.

[00:03:58] Brianna: what you're seeing is the final [00:04:00] product,

[00:04:00] Melissa: but how, how often does the rest of the world see how hard we work to try to reach that level of perfection? Like,

[00:04:06] Brianna: Which is why there's like, they're setting expectations for us. you should submit this. you know that thing where it's like you should give a hundred percent or 110%, 

[00:04:13] Melissa: I You mean when we're giving 150%?

[00:04:16] Brianna: No, no, no. Um, literally we take it literally, so when someone says, give 110%, we are giving 110%, right? Like, we are literally giving more than we have to give and we burn ourselves out. Whereas somehow the neurotypicals got the instruction manual that says, oh, you give

[00:04:32] Brianna: like 80% of what they have for their workday, and then they'll reserve some energy for taking care of their, like needs, like cooking or cleaning, like taking care of their kids or like doing their hobbies. they don't give 110% ever. And where, where was that memo? 

[00:04:46] Brianna: They set expectations that don't match how we interpret them. 

[00:04:51] Melissa: Yeah, we're taking what they say at face value and we're being very literal about it.

[00:04:56] Brianna: Which gets us into trouble we set expectations based on how expectations [00:05:00] have been set for us previously, and so we are setting expectations for ourselves that we'll 100% burn us out. 

[00:05:06] Melissa: I had this client who, who told me that she's, she's taking a course and every week there's reading in the course, and then there's an assignment and.

[00:05:14] Brianna: When I learned that you didn't have to do all of the assigned readings, 

[00:05:19] Melissa: this is exactly what's happening with this client. So, um, the, the client wants to do all the reading, not just do the reading, but absorb all the reading, understand every last nuanced point of the reading.

[00:05:31] Melissa: She won't even look at the assignment and her teacher suggested that she first look at the assignment to know what questions she's supposed to be answering. So that's in her head as she's actually doing the reading. 

[00:05:40] Brianna: bless that client for still doing the readings. 

[00:05:43] Melissa: she said that to me and of course I was like, I understand that impulse. I understand the impulse to want to like do it all perfectly

[00:05:48] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:05:49] Melissa: the things done

[00:05:50] Melissa: There's not enough time in the day. First of all, it takes us extra time to do things and there's no person alive that can absorb that much information for all of their classes all at the same [00:06:00] time. Like, it's not possible. And yet they set these expectations knowing that people are only going to hit like 50%.

[00:06:09] Brianna: they're setting really, really high expectations. We are meeting them and burning ourselves out, and the neurotypicals are coming here and be like, I did my best. And I'm like, stop that.

[00:06:18] Melissa: we're exhausted. We spent nine hours doing reading. They, someone else spent like one and a half and they move along.

[00:06:23] Brianna: Yeah, absolutely. 

[00:06:26] Melissa: whether it's been a school assignment in the past or hell, like now working on the, on the podcast, it stays with me. the things I didn't do or the things I could have done better stick with me. 

[00:06:36] Brianna: Maybe this is why I don't I don't like reread my own work, 

[00:06:39] Melissa: 

[00:06:39] Brianna: right? I don't wanna be disillusioned by going back and looking at the old work and seeing what I could have changed or what I could have done differently

[00:06:47] Melissa: Why does that haunt us?

[00:06:48] Brianna: I, I think what is happening here is like society has taught us how to set expectations.

[00:06:54] Brianna: taught us how to set neurotypical expectations and not explained what meeting those [00:07:00] expectations looks like. 

[00:07:01] Melissa: What do you mean by that? Like, why do you think that we don't understand or haven't been taught how to meet those expectations?

[00:07:09] Brianna: I think it's because neurotypicals don't even consider that someone might interpret it differently.

[00:07:15] Melissa: Hmm. 

[00:07:16] Brianna: when they're setting expectations like either societal, like expectations, expectations at work, whatever, they're not expecting anyone to question those expectations. Uh, and I think they're just expecting people to do their best, which is another mantra that we all heard in childish, is just do your best.

[00:07:39] Brianna: But my best is so variable my best on certain days is phenomenal, and my best on other days is below standard. And on those days it hurts.

[00:07:52] Melissa: what if our interpretation is that we are supposed to be giving a lot of effort what we believe you expect of us, that's [00:08:00] not really what you want at all.

[00:08:02] Melissa: And so we

[00:08:03] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:08:03] Melissa: our time and energy trying to give you something that may be impossible. Just like that reading. Like it's impossible

[00:08:10] Melissa: to know all the things.

[00:08:11] Brianna: But that's the other piece too, is it takes us more energy to do certain tasks, and those are the tasks that often come with those expectations that set us up for failure when we're setting our own expectations for the rest of our lives. if something takes a neurotypical person an hour and it takes us two, that is what we come to expect of ourselves.

[00:08:29] Brianna: Like everything should take more time. Everything should take more effort. 

[00:08:32] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:08:33] Brianna: And when we have those variable days of, you know, today I'm doing great. Today, I'm not doing great. It's hard to know what your best even is, because on some days it's better than what the neurotypicals can do. And on some days it's worse.

[00:08:46] Brianna: it's so hard to know when those days are coming and to like navigate that and to change the expectations. 'cause the expectations aren't as variable as we are. 

[00:08:55] Melissa: my problem is, is that I am constantly judging myself on the person I am

[00:08:58] Melissa: when [00:09:00] I have those days that I am amazing.

[00:09:02] Brianna: this is the, like the Instagram thing. It's like you only see people's best when they post on social media. And we are judging ourselves by our best and not by our reality.

[00:09:10] Melissa: Are you saying that we are like mentally curating a version of ourselves and holding ourselves to those standards?

[00:09:17] Brianna: Yeah, it comes from a variety of things. It comes from the working memory issues. we're only gonna remember when we've really, really failed or when we've really, really succeeded. And because of the emotion dysregulation, we're gonna try and avoid all those negative feelings. And so we're gonna work really extra hard until we burn ourselves out. And then it also comes from the rejection sensitivity, the perfectionism, the, the lack of communication. So like if we've been reprimanded for misunderstanding and instruction, we're gonna try twice as hard to cover all of the bases in whatever assignment or expectation we've been given.

[00:09:47] Melissa: How often are we masking so that the world may see us as that best version of us? 

[00:09:52] Brianna: that may be a rhetorical question, but it's.

[00:09:54] Brianna: I think it's a bit of a rhetorical question, but if you have understanding and acceptance, you are [00:10:00] more in control of setting those expectations and having a realistic picture of what you're capable of, even through the variability. And so there is less of those negative feelings because there's less shame and there's less blame, and there's less guilt with not meeting expectations because we know that some days and we can't 

[00:10:20] Melissa: I'm sitting here wondering who has higher expectations of US society or

[00:10:25] Brianna: Ooh. That's a great question. Wish we could pull the audience,

[00:10:30] Melissa: 

[00:10:30] Brianna: um, yeah, put in the comments if you think it's self expectations or society's expectations that are higher. don't know if I know the answer to that one, because like society has some pretty unrealistic expectations, especially for women, people of color, minorities, neurodivergent people.

[00:10:49] Brianna: Right. But I think that when we interpret that and set our expectations for ourselves, we set the bar so high that it's unattainable [00:11:00] for anyone. And yet somehow, sometimes we hit it and then we think that it is possible. 

[00:11:08] Melissa: Because we did it once. 

[00:11:10] Brianna: how often are we trying to give All or nothing?

[00:11:13] Brianna: there

[00:11:13] Brianna: is no middle for us, we have short term memory issues, and so we're blocking out like the, the middle mediocre bits because there's no, there's no heightened emotion there. So our memory is like literally not going to retain information in the middle.

[00:11:25] Melissa: because that's boring. 

[00:11:27] Brianna: Yeah, exactly.

[00:11:27] Brianna: We're gonna maintain information where we felt really great or really bad not neutral. that's how memories are encoded. 

[00:11:33] Brianna: we're talking about memory what else are we forgetting?

[00:11:35] Melissa: Are we forgetting the type of progress that we've made over time? Like you're saying that, Hey, I have this, this thesis, it's 107 pages, but because it's not done, you don't feel like anything's done. 

[00:11:45] Brianna: I have no sense of achievement or accomplishment whatsoever, and this is why when I'm with my clients, I'm recommending, okay, I should really use these techniques for myself and I do. Um,

[00:11:55] Brianna: I,

[00:11:55] Melissa: like, do what I say and not as a do. 

[00:11:57] Brianna: I do use them, but it's still hard,

[00:11:59] Melissa: Yes. 

[00:11:59] Brianna: [00:12:00] right? Like, that's the other thing. even though we both have the understanding and the acceptance piece is pretty much nailed, good job us, um, it's still like, it doesn't solve all of the problems.

[00:12:10] Brianna: It just makes it easier to be kind to ourselves.

[00:12:13] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:12:13] Brianna: so I have a, like a, a WIN jar where I write down stuff that I've accomplished so I can physically see the accomplishments I've made. Uh, some people keep a journal. Um, there's something called a taal list where you write down things that you've done rather than things you have to do, which sets you up for success.

[00:12:31] Brianna: taal are great. 

[00:12:32] Melissa: but what about like our current projects? when I'm in the middle of something, I struggle so hard to understand where I'm at on the journey.

[00:12:40] Brianna: You gotta break it down. if you're in the middle of a project like I am currently, you have to break it down so you can still have achievements throughout. But again, because our brains don't really deal with reward and consequence, they deal with interest, novelty, urgency, and challenge, it's still gonna be more difficult even if [00:13:00] we've broken it down and have like, yes, I've achieved this section, or I've achieved this chapter, whatever.

[00:13:04] Brianna: Like, I've written two chapters. I only have one chapter left. Like, that's huge.

[00:13:07] Melissa: Yes.

[00:13:08] Brianna: I've broken it down write them all down on my taal list and my wind jar and things, and it helps.

[00:13:13] Melissa: I will create false deadlines for myself. Like,

[00:13:16] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:17] Melissa: if I break it in pieces, a piece has a specific deadline.

[00:13:19] Brianna: Yeah. But like, this is the smart goals technique. They all work, that's why they're out there on the internet. Um, but remembering to remember to use them is hard.

[00:13:30] Melissa: I utilize so many tools, but there's still times that I'm rebellious against myself or I'm just, I, I just, it the A DH ADHD is strong sometimes.

[00:13:39] Brianna: even though we have all these tools, even though we have the understanding and acceptance, sometimes the A DHD still wins. Sometimes the expectations are still unrealistic. Like, I tried to finish my thesis before Christmas and I hadn't started. I was like, yeah, I can write it in two weeks.

[00:13:54] Brianna: That, that's an unrealistic expectation right there. And then I could have [00:14:00] like really beaten myself up about it and been I'll never be able to finish my thesis. I'm a failure. I'm gonna quit, blah, blah, blah. But because I have this understanding acceptance piece, it's like, okay, well that was an unrealistic expectation.

[00:14:10] Brianna: That was an unrealistic deadline. Let's try and set a more realistic one and then like you said, like you had a family emergency, stuff comes up, things happen

[00:14:18] Brianna: And,

[00:14:18] Brianna: it changes, and we're a little bit inflexible about it.

[00:14:21] Melissa: that I had a project that I was, I was sure I was gonna start at the beginning of the year and I still haven't started it yet. Um, I forgot that there were things that I need to put in place before I began the project.

[00:14:33] Melissa: all the things we forget that are necessities to put in place 

[00:14:37] Brianna: Let's talk about necessities for a second because I was like, yeah, I have 24 hours in a day. No, you don't. You have to sleep, you have to eat, you have to shower, you have to go outside or exercise or whatever. It is the thing that keeps you sane, right? You don't have 24 hours in a day. 

[00:14:53] Brianna: You have like eight. 

[00:14:54] Melissa: we often forget about things like prior commitments that we have on our plate. I'll look at my calendar and well, I have these, [00:15:00] these five appointments and I've got time in between. Well, guess what? have things that are supposed to be done in between those things.

[00:15:07] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:15:07] Melissa: forget, and I think it's free time. I, it's a cycle. I don't know if it will ever end. 

[00:15:11] Brianna: The other thing about that is like, even if you set aside time for it, did you set aside time for starting? Did you set aside time for like setting up? It's not 

[00:15:20] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:15:21] Brianna: it takes us longer to get into things, to start projects, to orient ourselves, to get into the flow of things.

[00:15:26] Brianna: Sometimes it's really boring, so you don't wanna do the task. You're procrastinating a little bit and that'll eats up time. 

[00:15:32] Melissa: I've been trying to think about, my like morning routine and realizing how kind of broken it is.

[00:15:37] Brianna: one of my coaching mentors once said that, it took her a while to understand that she needed three hours in the morning before she had anything scheduled.

[00:15:45] Melissa: And I was like, that's ridiculous. but the more I'm looking at it, I'm like, oh, I need time to transition between things and otherwise I feel flustered. I hate the feeling of being unsettled consistently throughout a day. [00:16:00] It just, it does something to me . 

[00:16:01] Brianna: Yeah, I will say I've had like, experience the same thing. I was like, I knew that I needed that time and I started my workday at 10:00 AM which is a luxury of being self-employed. Um, but then I started scheduling appointments at like seven eight or nine, and the rest of my day I felt like I couldn't keep up.

[00:16:20] Brianna: Like I, I was so disorganized and so I had set an unrealistic expectation of, well, because I have that free time before 10, like I can add something else there 

[00:16:28] Brianna: and it won't impact the rest of my day. I have been able to get nothing done in the rest of my day because I didn't have that time in the morning to like orient to the day, to set up, to prepare, to like get my ducks in a row. 

[00:16:41] Melissa: you just said that 10:00 AM is a luxury, but is it a luxury? what are you doing beforehand? You're probably like nourishing yourself. You're like making sure you're prepared for the day that is gearing up for the things that you need to do.

[00:16:52] Brianna: eating, showering, but also like the pre-work that happens before work

[00:16:58] Melissa: that is actual work. 

[00:16:59] Brianna: [00:17:00] that the neurotypicals don't take as long to do and don't place into their expectations when they're making them. Because for them it's default, and for us it's extra work.

[00:17:09] Melissa: appointments starting at 7:00 AM If I have an appointment that's earlier and it kind of eats into that me time I end up compromising things that I actually need, 

[00:17:18] Brianna: Like your mental health?

[00:17:20] Melissa: like my mental health or as you were saying, that like your energy is gone by the time you get to a certain point.

[00:17:26] Brianna: Yeah. Well, I'm not getting enough sleep is essentially the problem

[00:17:29] Melissa: the other part. Yeah. You're compromising actual like Mm. Actual sleep.

[00:17:33] Brianna: because at 7:00 AM I would normally still be asleep. I'm not one of those morning people. I know they exist. I know there are a DH DERs out there that are morning people. You are the rare breed because scientifically we have a shifted circadian rhythm, 

[00:17:46] Melissa: I'm torn. Sometimes I'm very jealous of those people and sometimes I'm not at all. 'cause I love me some night hours. 

[00:17:53] Brianna: that's what our bodies were designed to do. If you look back, like historically, we were the night watch, we were the, 'cause we have all [00:18:00] of,the traits of, you know, distractibility. But is it, it's like being able to notice when things are moving or there's danger,

[00:18:06] Brianna: we should go back to caveman times. That's when we'll thrive.

[00:18:09] Melissa: I really like my wifi. 

[00:18:10] Brianna: But fire and the wheel, 

[00:18:13] Melissa: Exciting. So exciting.

[00:18:15] Brianna: but there's times, you know, we may need to have those 7:00 AM appointments we, we have to interact with, with the normal world. 

[00:18:23] Brianna: doctor's appointments, flights, picking your child up from school, all of that kind of stuff doesn't have a flexible timeline. And so while I try and make sure that I have a schedule that works for me, 

[00:18:36] Brianna: there are still times when I cannot set expectations in a neurodivergent way. I still have to maintain like neurotypical, neurotypical expectations because I am still a part of society and I, I wish to be a part of society, 

[00:18:49] Brianna: But that's not. That's not what I want. I want to be a part of society and I want to make my flight connections on time, and I want to make my doctor's appointments on time, that's important to me. 

[00:18:57] Melissa: I feel like there's two,

[00:18:58] Brianna: types of A [00:19:00] DHD people, the types of people who are. Often late or behind. And there's the types of people that are not just early, but like super early. And 

[00:19:08] Brianna: That's the anxiety

[00:19:09] Melissa: it's an all or nothing kind of thing, right? timeliness is difficult for us with our time blindness and time perception issues. There are the people who under compensate and the people who overcompensate and both are not good for your mental health. there's a lot of shame and guilt that comes with being late and a lot of stress and anxiety that comes with being overly on time. 

[00:19:27] Melissa: Um, there are strategies that we can use to make it to those vital appointments on time. And you and I have discussed some of those strategies before. Things like reverse engineering your day. 

[00:19:37] Brianna: This is how you set realistic expectations. We're back there. So if you reverse engineer your day, you're more able to set realistic expectations. 'cause it's based in reality versus, oh, I think it only takes me five minutes to get ready. It takes you 20 and you just weren't aware of that. 

[00:19:51] Melissa: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, every time I I, I go through this reverse engineering process. There's a part of me that's a little depressed because I [00:20:00] prove myself wrong. Like I have in my head that something takes a certain amount of time and it's so frustrating to like, to, to see it on paper. There's now evidence that I am not correct on this. 

[00:20:09] Brianna: Well, okay, this comes back to the understanding and acceptance piece because that distress from what you think should, again, you shouldn't, should on yourself. What you think should be the expectation, what should be reality, and what reality actually is. That disconnect is what's causing the distress. And if you can accept and understand that reality is okay, like it's okay for things to take longer.

[00:20:33] Brianna: It's okay when you reverse engineer a thing that the thing that you thought was gonna take 30 minutes, actually takes an hour. Like that is okay. It's not broken. It's not wrong. You're not a failure if you can remove the distress around that, then the setting of realistic, neurodivergent expectations becomes easier.

[00:20:50] Melissa: of course, there are several ways. Whatever works for you to deal with your time blindness.I may know that I have an appointment four hours, but I may have to break down all the steps I need to do before then. [00:21:00] Um,

[00:21:00] Melissa: And then I need, I need to set timers 

[00:21:01] Melissa: timers, visual clocks, you've got visual timers, something like this, or 

[00:21:07] Brianna: pretty 

[00:21:08] Melissa: if I didn't wear my watch, I probably would die. 'cause my Google calendar tells me when I'm supposed to be at an appointment. 

[00:21:14] Brianna: The smart watches are a really great solution because it is a visual calendar timer, everything that you can take with you, it beeps, it alerts you if you've lost your phone or misplaced it or it's in your purse then it's, it, it is there.

[00:21:26] Brianna: Because we are so unaware of reality a lot of the time, if you don't know how long things take you, timing them is a really great strategy to help you set realistic expectations. And so if you're like, oh, I think it takes me five minutes to shower, and you have a little watch or a timer, you can time yourself.

[00:21:44] Brianna: Oh, it actually takes me seven and a half minutes. It actually takes me 11 minutes

[00:21:47] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:21:48] Brianna: because again, the time blindness, we have no idea how to set realistic expectations of how long things will take or how much effort to put in because we don't know how long they'll take or how much effort we need to put in to do it.

[00:21:58] Brianna: Because we don't remember.

[00:21:59] Melissa: [00:22:00] every time I like try to do that timing thing, a variable will change. Like it's really cold today and that will like, make me apprehensive about getting in the shower. 

[00:22:07] Brianna: If you're nerds like us and really love data spreadsheets or you're friend, and then you can put an average and be like, oh, in the summer it takes me this long. In the winter it takes me this long. And on Tuesdays it actually takes me longer 'cause that's the day I wash my hair or whatever. Like you could gather all that data, just have statistics about yourself. 

[00:22:22] Melissa: I now know what the temperature of the room needs to be for me to, to get into the shower, 

[00:22:27] Brianna: Hey, but brilliant. What a, what, what a life hack that because you, one took the time to notice that something needed to occur to reduce the time it took you to do the task.

[00:22:38] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:22:39] Brianna: It's like, like, I don't actually have this much time to do the task.

[00:22:42] Brianna: Okay. Well notice what is causing you to spend more time doing the task.

[00:22:47] Melissa: the friction?

[00:22:48] Brianna: Exactly. And then brainstorm solutions for that. 

[00:22:51] Melissa: sometimes there may not be a solution. if something's causing friction, we may be able to remove that step, that is something we don't always consider 

[00:22:59] Brianna: yeah.

[00:22:59] Melissa: [00:23:00] because we're supposed to do all the steps. 

[00:23:01] Brianna: this is an expectation. Within an expectation. Oh, we've gone meta. So if you, if you don't laugh at me, the time it takes you to do something and there's a step that causes you friction. So firstNoticing the expectations, noticing that there's causing distress because you're not able to meet those expectations.

[00:23:19] Brianna: Then like figuring out the reality and then if there is a friction point, noticing, does this actually benefit me? Does this actually need to be done? Is this an expectation that I need to keep in my system? Do I need this to function? Do does society need this to like what does this benefit?

[00:23:36] Brianna: Again, back to the understanding and acceptance piece. It's like sometimes you can let things go. Sometimes it doesn't have to be perfect. What, I know I said it, I said it sometimes it doesn't have to be perfect. I'm feeling that in my body viscerally. 

[00:23:51] Melissa: just like a meal. You don't need to spend an hour cooking a meal. Sometimes you can spend 10 minutes making a sandwich and still get fed.

[00:23:59] Brianna: You know that [00:24:00] society thing where it's like they shame people for going to the fridge at three in the morning and eating directly from a bag of shredded cheese that is food in your body. 

[00:24:08] Melissa: yes. 

[00:24:08] Brianna: Right. Like, 

[00:24:09] Melissa: hungry, eat it. I often come back to food. I think about food a lot. 

[00:24:14] Brianna: maybe we're hungry. 

[00:24:16] Melissa: I I just like food. 

[00:24:18] Melissa: But what about community friendship, relationship expectations?

[00:24:22] Melissa: text messages,

[00:24:24] Brianna: Or sending Christmas or birthday cards,

[00:24:27] Melissa: remembering people's birthdays?

[00:24:29] Brianna: that kind of thing where it's not, there's no, actually there are consequences 'cause you loses friends and that's tough.

[00:24:38] Melissa: I think communication's really important.

[00:24:39] Brianna: Communication is important, but what are the expectations around communicating? if you're clear in setting your expectations with your friends, there will be less friendship decay if you don't send a text back, like there's some people that I haven't spoken to in months and I would still consider them to be close friends, and I like anytime I text them and say, Hey, like, how's [00:25:00] it going?

[00:25:00] Brianna: There would be no hard feelings because I've set the expectations. Like just because I haven't messaged you in three months doesn't mean I don't love you. 

[00:25:06] Melissa: my mother-in-law, I told her at the start I first got married, I was like, I have an inability to return things to people. So if you bring a dish over and leave it here, I'll put it in a, in a safe spot, I'll wash it and I'll put it in a safe spot.

[00:25:18] Melissa: Grab it when you come over. what society expects is that I will clean that dish and return it to her, but likely won't remember. And I know that about myself and I told her it's not because I dislike you. It's not because I'm discourteous. It's because this is a big, big block.

[00:25:34] Melissa: For me. It's a barrier.

[00:25:35] Brianna: Yeah,

[00:25:36] Melissa: I, I had that conversation with her. We've never had friction over it. We've never had a problem about it.

[00:25:42] Brianna: I can't do birthday cards. I can't do Christmas cards. That it is never been an issue in my family, but my partner's family is really big into birthday and Christmas cards, like even across the pond they'll mail them.

[00:25:55] Brianna: if I can't. Drop this off at your house like six months late. You're [00:26:00] not gonna get it. I'm not gonna remember to go to the post office. 

[00:26:02] Melissa: if I can't like you a gift without going to the post office, it's likely I'm not gonna give you a gift. So

[00:26:09] Brianna: Yeah.

[00:26:09] Melissa: sending like e-gift cards and stuff, which I think some people think those are impersonal. I love getting gift cards. 

[00:26:15] Brianna: gift giving comes with a lot of societal expectations I am not particularly good at any of them. Like I don't return cards, Christmas, birthday, whatever. my gifts tend to be more experiences 

[00:26:27] Melissa: I love that.

[00:26:28] Brianna: One of my love languages is quality time. And so like, I'd rather spend time with you than get you a knickknack or something that you might not want, or would just take up space. Or like, if it's not consumable, I'm not giving it.

[00:26:42] Melissa: the expectations around what is a good gift is so individual. It's so relative to the person.

[00:26:46] Brianna: So just have the conversation, set those expectations in advance. Uh, I've even like asked people for lists.

[00:26:53] Melissa: it's, it's a little fapa to mention the a word, but like Amazon, you could create a gift list, give it to somebody, I [00:27:00] have ordered from Amazon and sent to Brianna in a different country and it is so much cheaper than sending from the post office.

[00:27:07] Brianna: Thanks Melissa. But yeah, like again, faux pa of Amazon, but I think that is such a great hack to have like gift registries or just things that you want that you would never buy yourself. 

[00:27:18] Melissa: some people are hard to buy for and some people aren't good at gift giving.

[00:27:21] Melissa: yeah,

[00:27:21] Brianna: if you have a combination of those two people having a list is really helpful.

[00:27:25] Melissa: yeah. And I mean, and even if someone may not like know even what to get you off that list, they at least have a reference for what store you're purchasing from. So they can give you a gift card to a place you'll actually use the gift card for. 

[00:27:36] Brianna: Mm-hmm.

[00:27:37] Melissa: Yeah.

[00:27:38] Brianna: So this is, this is the second piece of setting expectations here communication. So society has expectations, understanding and accepting yourself means you can rewrite those expectations based on reality, based on how long it actually takes you to do things based on the effort that actually needs to be put into that.

[00:27:55] Brianna: like the expectation you have for yourself in these social situations. [00:28:00] Gift giving per se. If like me, you can't get to the post office, find outlets for gift giving, like whether it's flowers, something consumable,something like Amazon where you can send a gift to somebody you never have to touch the post office.

[00:28:15] Melissa: You

[00:28:15] Melissa: just have to go to your computer.

[00:28:16] Brianna: my grandmother sends eCards and they are so cute. It's still personal 'cause you get to select a card or whatever, but then there's no post office and there's no, what do I do with the cards afterwards? This has just hit me. I have Christmas cards now. I've never had to deal with this before in my life. Like, do I throw them out? Do I keep them forever?

[00:28:34] Brianna: Where do you store them? I don't know what to do. the social expectations are killing me. 'cause I don't wanna be rude, but I also don't wanna store these things for the rest of my life. And how long do I display them for? Like, is it the next holiday? Is it six months? Is it until they come and visit and see, do I have to send a car back saying thank you?

[00:28:49] Brianna: I have one, medium sized plastic bin, clear plastic bin. it's not all the cards, but every now and again it happens like once every other year, I will get a card in my hand that for some reason it has [00:29:00] special meaning to me. So I will tuck it away in, into that, that box that also has like, you know, family portraits and things like that. Keepsake

[00:29:08] Brianna: That you forget about. As soon as it's gone outta sight,

[00:29:11] Melissa: Sometimes we go through that box we'll look for a family photo. We're looking for it. And it's fun to go through the box and like have these memories. It's just something that screams to me, please keep me not out of obligation, but because it has special meaning to me. 

[00:29:22] Brianna: it hurts my soul. 

[00:29:23] Melissa: Otherwise I shred. 

[00:29:24] Brianna: Uh, but like, okay, again, I'm off on a tangent now. What do you do about weddings? you build a registry people buy you stuff, and then you're supposed to send thank you. I'm not sending save the dates, I'm not doing it. I'm

[00:29:35] Brianna: sending you an, I'm sending you an email.

[00:29:38] Brianna: Go, go check out the website.

[00:29:39] Melissa: So for our wedding, our registry was for our honeymoon, so it was like gifting excursions for our honeymoon. and we got to have an even better honeymoon because of it.

[00:29:48] Brianna: That's really nice. That's such a great idea.

[00:29:51] Melissa: On my friend's wedding registry, there was a trash can and no one bought the trash can you can't buy a trash can as a gift for someone's wedding. Be like, [00:30:00] here, I think you're trash. Like you can't do.

[00:30:02] Melissa: That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. 

[00:30:04] Brianna: there are certain things that you just like as a birthday gift, you don't get like your wife a vacuum cleaner or like a bathroom scale, 

[00:30:12] Brianna: even if she's like, oh, I really need a new bathroom scale, like mine is broken. You don't give that to her for her birthday or for Mother's Day you don't like that sends a very specific message. 

[00:30:20] Brianna: yeah, when someone's getting married, you can't buy them a trash can.

[00:30:23] Brianna: Um, yeah. So I think, yeah, like the excursions is a great idea . 

[00:30:29] Melissa: So we've discussed today societal expectations, self-imposed expectations, and community expectations in order to maintain relationships. We've also discussed how to set realistic expectations. because we often set ourselves unrealistic expectations 

[00:30:47] Brianna: We've also discussed the importance of removing the distress. So the stop shutting on yourself piece 

[00:30:53] Melissa: the, the point is for these expectations is for A DHD in particular, it, there's a lot [00:31:00] of factors that influence our ability to do things being aware of what those factors are. So you can set realistic expectations for yourself so you can remove the distress and the suffering and the pain from the expectations is going to go a long way to improving your quality of life.

[00:31:16] Melissa: Don't be afraid to let go of things.

[00:31:18] Brianna: Yes,

[00:31:19] Melissa: if you're in need of further A DHD support, you can find me@likemindcoaching.com. 

[00:31:24] Brianna: and you can find me@understandingadhd.ca.

[00:31:28] Melissa: Until next time, thanks.

[00:31:30] Brianna: Bye 

[00:31:31] Brianna: bye.